Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Um. Let me just say that I was totally unprepared for tonight. I went to Teague Harvey’s recital and.. OK. Well. OK. OK. Well. OK. JAMES. Ok. I go alone, cuz I figured it would be best. I walk in to pick up a program and I see this:
I start to read it and then I see, like you may have seen, my name. I see that she is singing three songs… for me. And she put it specifically on the program. Well I lose it. I am crying the entire recital. Not just because of that dedication but because… OH MY GOD. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. She has the most beeeautiful voice. At the intermission, everyone around me was like, “OMG. WHO KNEW SHE COULD SING??!!” Um… ME. And I would’ve said so if I could’ve pulled myself together long enough to speak. But alas, Moaning Myrtle was a sloppy, sloppy mess.

But on the way home, I couldn’t stop crying. I could not stop. So I took a second to think… ‘James… what the F? What is it about this that has touched you so deeply?’ And I figured it out. This is the NICEST thing anyone has EVER done for me. Ever. Evereverever. Friend, boyfriend, family. Ever. And I was… AM filled with so much love. God, I hope someone loves you like Teague loves me. And I realized that… I don’t need a boyfriend to make me feel incredibly loved. I don’t. I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t. It’s like, everything I thought was true just lit on fire and I’m standing in this beautiful wreckage. If I don’t need a boyfriend to make me feel this massive amount of love, then what do I get so sad about?

But more than anything. More than any any any anything. I feel healed. After tonight, I know that I’m OK. It’s over. The waiting-to-be-fulfilled-by-a-boyfriend-until-i-feel-worth-something… it’s over. It’s over over over. Because I feel fulfilled right now.

After the recital, I tried to thank Teague but all I could manage to do was cry incoherently. So now that I’m typing and my tears don’t interfere with my fingers, I can say… Thank you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey, and thank you for being a part of mine. The hurting is over cuz I say it’s over. And you are an amazing, AMAZING human being. Amazing. I thought it was kinda ballsy to do that excerpt from for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf but you did it. And it was so brave! OH MY GOD. So brave. And I’m glad that mothafucka didn’t come. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME. This chapter of my/your life is over cuz I/we say it’s over. It’s over. I wouldn’t be James Fierce without Teague Fierce. And I will never, ever forget this day. This is the happiest moment of my entire life. On my car ride home, I started laughing uncontrollably. THANK GOD I WAS ALONE because I looked like… well I looked like someone laughing hysterically with a snot-stained, tear-stained face, in between sobs. I looked like that. So find an adjective to encapsulate that ball of crazy and THAT’S what I was. But, what I was trying to say, this moment has changed me. Those songs were beautiful and full of heart, and that’s what makes you an artist. People think it’s about singing pretty, but you know it’s about tearing yourself open and letting the audience drown in your insides. And you know that.

I will never forget this day. And I need it, because when I move to New York, I will surely feel like a piece of f-hole. And I will surely feel that way often. But this day. Oh God. This day will stay with me for the rest of my life. And you will, too. Even if I have to keep you there with my withered, old-man talons.

Your bravery was inspiring and appropriate. This was your night. And though you shocked the others with your flawless voice, you flooded me with your unconditional love.

I am so grateful. So grateful. (She also told me how happy she was that I could make it. She told me she loves me so much, and how, out of everyone, she was so happy that I was there.

Oh. I also. I felt special. I felt like I really mattered tonight. I don’t want that to sound emo, because I know that I matter, and I know my friends love me. But. I feel so special.

Teague Harvey, you have irrevocably changed me and when I have a child, I will raise her with the love you’ve given me.

I will NEVER forget this day.

You don’t need a boyfriend… IIIII don’t need a boyfriend, because you’ve given me more than I’ve ever received from a boyfriend. Ever. Anyone ever.

Thank you for saving me, again and again and again.

“So break me to small parts. Let go in small doses. But spare some parts for spare parts. There might be some good ones. Like you might make a dollar.”
~”Ode to Divorce” by Regina Spektor

I know I say people can’t promise how they feel, but I’ve never liked to be like “people”. I don’t fit in with everyone else. I’m different and I can promise how I feel. And I promise to love you forever.

JAMES

(I hate when people brag about crying but you need to know how deeply this affected me. I cried from the moment I sat down at her recital and on my entire drive home. That was about 2 solid hours of nonstop tears. Thank God I drink a lot of water.)

Also, it’s moments like this that make everything else irrelevant: looking cute, dating, going on dates, finding me. I’ve got it all right here, at this moment. ok, i’m really going now.

JAMES FIERCE (courtesy of the one-and-only Teague Fierce)

Comments on: "203. The Nicest Thing Anyone Has Ever Done For Me / For Teague Harvey" (1)

  1. I love you.

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