Surface: I am currently in Pocatello, Idaho. I have been here since Tuesday (6 days), and already I have made the most amazing friends. I have learned 11 songs from Hairspray and the show opens in 11 days (which is also the same day as my birthday). Already I cannot imagine leaving these people. Just another example of how hard I love people. It’s dry here so my nose bleeds regularly, and my nose is constantly stuffed. Singing here is also difficult, because my throat dries out so easily. And while I strongly believe you don’t need a change of scenery in order to have a shift in your point of view… my new location has taught me some beautiful things.
Deeper: I have lost some really great friends in my life, and I’ve been pretty distraught over it. And my good friends keep telling me to move on, and I say I will but then I don’t. I keep trying to revive a friendship that is obviously dead, but I’m extremely determined to not give up on something that once worked so well. And even when it’s clear I’m the only one making the effort I perservere in fixing something that is BEYOND broken. But now I’ve come to Idaho and met people from all across the United States, and unfortunately for “yous”, they are the new yous. I always thought John Mayer was kind of an asshole for singing “I’m Gonna Find Another You” but I get it now. And maybe I’m paranoid but sometimes I feel like these lost friends know how much it hurts me to have them missing from my life so they stay away on purpos to cause me more pain. Paranoid or not, I’m not gonna hurt anymore. Because I have met new people to fill your former role in my life. And you may think I’m an asshole now for saying these things, but you’ll get it some day. And now I can let go. Finally.
Also I was SCHOOLED in the field of jealousy a couple months ago. So. Warren Beatty (the guy who played Dick Tracy) is currently married to Annette Bening. They have been married for 18 years. BUT. Before that he was a PLAYA. He said in his memoir that he had slept with almost 13,000 women in his life. 13,000. While most people could count their own flings on one hand, Warren Beatty needs more than his fingers AND his toes. And what does Mr. Beatty love about his current wife? “She has a great capacity to be happy, which is a great gift to me and an even greater gift to her children … For me, the highest level of sexual excitement is in a monogamous relationship. I would hate myself if I failed to live up to it.” Ooooh I see. So you have slept with 13,000 women and SHE has the amazing ability to be happy with you without worrying that you’re looking at all these other beautiful, younger women all the time. Touche, Annette Bening. So next time my He goes out with people I don’t know, I won’t be nervous. Why? Because Annette isn’t nervous. She has a “great capacity to be happy”. Well so do I. So why should I let “what ifs” ruin that? I won’t. Because I’m better than 13,000 other women and so are you. (Here’s the brief article if you want to read it: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/06/warren-beatty-reveals-hig_n_602069.html)
Last. In all my relationships I wait for the other person to set the standards of how things are going to be. For example, if You don’t buy me a Christmas present then my mind records that event and consequently I believe it’s ok for me to not buy You a Christmas present. Or if You open up to me with your personal life, I will then share my personal life with You. But I always wait for the other person to set these standards. For lack of courage. But you know what? I’m sick of letting people set the standards. I’m sick of being so malleable. Because if I think in our relationship we have set a standard of selflessness and then You don’t return that… youch. Because I’ll remember that moment when the former standard was broken. So I’m gonna set the standard. I’m gonna gather up my courage and put my foot down for what I want instead of always giving people what they want. While selflessness is great in theory, it hasn’t always worked out for me. And those moments hurt real bad. So. I’m gonna be brave and tell You what I want. I’m not gonna make You guess anymore. And the day where I took the time to think about what I wanted and I communicated what I wanted, I felt really proud and accomplished. It felt good to say what I wanted. Because I make people guess what I want instead of just saying, and that’s not fair to anyone. So I’m setting the standard of communication and compromise. Because that’s what I want.
I love You. You are Home, and so am I. So stop looking.