Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Choose Happy

Ooooooooooook. It’s been a while. Pocatello has been kicking my ass. It’s so f-ing dry here and my mucus has been trying to protect me…. by filling my nose and suffocating me. Can I upgrade my immune system please? Hairspray was an amazing run and now Peter Pan opens this Thursday. It’s really cool to watch people fly. They say ideally you should be 130 lbs to be flown… which makes me sort of want to cut off my lower half so I can fly. Honestly, I weighed 130 … in 8th grade. I’M TALL! For more recent information, in Peter Pan I’m supposed to slide down this wooden banister, WHICH I DO WITH GUSTO! Well the other day, my shirt decided to ride up (because I’m slutty and all) and I got this AWFUL woodburn on my stomach. Whatev. I look BA.

Countdowns:
Come home: 19 days
Jian Li comes home: 23 days
Longest relationship of my life: 36 days
Seeing Thomas: 157 days

And on to what I actually have to say…

Ok. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what makes me happy and how to make myself happy. I admit sometimes I even try to prevent sadness. Not good. Don’t do it. Just feel what you feel. Anyway, I had a pretty good day yesterday but at the end of the day I started to get sad for absolutely no reason. I started going in my head and being so self-conscious about every little thing I was doing. ‘Oh god, the way I turned my head away… my friends probably think I’m being so bitchy’. Blah blah, stuff like that. So I went to my room and talked to Thomas on the phone, and he had had a rough day. So after he went to bed I decided to try once again to make videos on facebook for him. It never works. My camera is hardcore for Protection of Marriage so it ALWAYS fights me. But today! It had a gay day and it worked!! But the catch: my videos could literally be no longer than 30 seconds. I learned that after making the first 5 minute heartfelt video. But I just laughed it off and faced my challenge with a …bizarre attitude. I made like 5 short videos and some of them had to be remade. Sometimes the sound didn’t work. Sometimes the video was too long. But I just laughed it off and made the next video CRAZIER than the previous. The whole thing took me like 30 minutes. But afterwards, I felt really really good knowing I had done something to make someone else happy.

In acting we learn to GIVE to your scene partner. Make your scene all about your scene partner, because it pulls you out of your head. You stop thinking and you start doing. You stop being preoccupied with ‘Oh my god, what the F do I look like right now??? I must look INSANE!!’ All that boocrap falls away, because you invest yourself in the other person. And I think sometimes life should be like that. Because I stopped thinking about why I was so sad, and I did something for someone else. I didn’t set out to do this because it would make me feel good. I did it to make him happy. And fortunately for me, it made ME happy, too. So if you get stuck, go and make someone else happy.

I write a lot about analyzing yourself and introspection and all that but sometimes you just gotta stop thinking and start doing. Cuz if you’re always trying to be someone else, a happier better version of yourself, you’re not enjoying the life you have right now. And I really have downplayed “the surface” but sometimes those simple events are all you got. So you really should make the best of them. Like my woodburn. Ouch. But at least it wasn’t my effing collarbone! The small things are really important. On my birthday, one of my friends here brought me ice cream and breakfast from McDonalds. And that meant SO MUCH to me. I may have cried. Anyway. It’s about the small things. So appreciate everything. (I may sound like I’m preaching but I’m talking to myself. Maybe you’ll take some of this to heart because you’re like me… I’m assuming if you’re reading this, it’s because we’re similar in some way.)

Aldous Huxley, the author of Brave New World, was once asked, “What have you learned?” He responded, “I can summarize all I’ve learned in six words: Try to be… a little kinder.”

And I think there’s always a choice. When you’re around someone that really bothers you, you have the choice to be rude or nice. When your computer breaks, you have the choice to be really f-ing upset or you can take the hint or go outside and enjoy the weather. You always have a choice. And when you think you don’t, you’re wrong. Don’t be lazy. I really do think you can have it all, but you cannot be lazy. You gotta work your tooshie off. So how badly do you want it?

“Let me come home. Home is wherever I’m with you.”
Lyrics to Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

I LOVE YOU. Do you really need to hear more than that? 🙂

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