Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Right Here

Ok. I just got home from Idaho on Sunday. I missed my loving family and friends. They are so good to me, and for that I am extremely grateful. So grateful. Emma, my little sister, leaves for Croatia on the 25th. Holy F. And then I go back to school the next day. Emma will be gone for 11 months. Can’t wait. F*cking b*tch. Totes kiddsies. I love her, and it’s gonna be hard for all of us. Especially the evil piss-wherever-I-feel-like-it-except-for-Emma’s-room cat. I love you, Emma.

So at the end of this summer, Blair (the director of Idaho Summer Repertory) gave us a great speech. He reminded us that at the beginning of the summer he wanted us to create beautiful memories. Because we will never be in the same exact situation again. We will never have the exact same cast doing the exact same shows in the exact same spot. And even if we did, we would be at different places in our lives and it wouldn’t be exactly the same. He said that life is like theatre: the moments that happen on stage are temporary. They are fleeting. They are momentary. And he told us to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us because those are not wasted words.

Let me get to the point. Life is momentary, and all you have is the present. You can dream about the future to make yourself feel better but it’s not real. It hasn’t happened. It’s just fantasies. And you don’t have the past anymore. Sure, you have the memories in your head but the past isn’t the present. It’s changed. And this is what you’ve got. Yes, sometimes I like to dream my life is something else to pull myself out. But what I really should be doing is appreciating the moments I have right here right now. Because this is all I’ve got. The here. It’s no use mourning over lost friends for the rest of my life, because then I’m not fully appreciating the stupid f*cks who’ve hung around me since my skanky ass moved to Waunakee. (Kidding, I love you.) And then I’m not appreciating my sisters and my parents who love me for whatever face I make, whatever note I sing, and whoever I love. Because Life is about This. Here. This moment right here as you read this words is what you’ve got. The things that happened 2 minutes ago are gone. So are you fully appreciating this beautiful moment you have living as a healthy person or are you wasting it doting on something in the past?

So stay right here.

I still love you. And Amanda I’m clutching that f*cking rock like it’s my life. I love love love you. I’ll never run out of love.


Comments on: "Right Here" (2)


  2. and don’t you ever forget it.

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