Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

9. Smartphone Alternative

I’ll start with the picture because most of the things I have to say today have nothing to do with the picture. But let me tell you what lost to this picture. Ben thought there was an intruder in the basement while home alone so we went downstairs with TWO KNIVES cuz he was REALLY itching to shank a b*tch. No one was there. But he still felt inclined to do his homework his a knife by his side. Also I had my Philosophy class today and I REALLY wanted to take a picture of my professor, because he was all giggles today. But there was no way to do it without being caught. We were discussing the ethics of killing one homeless man and giving his organs to five separate people, and my professor still giggled. And I did, too. It’s so infectious!

So here’s the picture. Look carefully.

Oh sho nuff, shawty. There is someone walking down the street on his laptop. Maybe his smartphone broke? I shan’t judge. But I will enjoy it. Oh and he DEFINITELY caught me taking a picture of him. Well there go my plans of ever being a spy.

I was talking to a friend of mine who I greatly respect, and she was talking about how relationships in her life are a supplement and not a necessity. That got me thinking about my life and my past co-dependence. Let me be clear: I don’t think there is anything wrong with needing someone every once in a while. But I hope everyone realizes that they don’t REALLY need anyone. You don’t. You are enough. You are plenty. But anyway my friend and I talked about marriage briefly and I realized something pretty scare about myself. Since being in college I realized I did want to get married someday. But I didn’t realize my reasoning until now. I was convinced if I found someone and married them I would be set. Because you can’t get out of that, right? Well, you can but it’s hard. And I figured a gay marriage– who would want to get divorced after we’ve toiled for this basic right to happiness?? So. I’m not sure there is such thing as “right” and “wrong” but I do believe in “more right” and “more wrong”. So I think I need to find a “more right” reason to want to get married. And I don’t know that answer quite yet.

Next. One of the best years of my life was sophomore year of college. The previous summer I had broken my collarbone and then gone through surgery AND THEN gone through being drugged on Percoset. Not fun. But after all that I was thrilled to be breathing. Or not crying when I had the hiccups or a violent sneeze. I was cast in HAIR which helped me gain a deeper appreciation for the beauty of life. And then second semester I was in the Jump Rhythm Jazz piece “god of dirt” which literally changed my life. It’s a dance form that’s all about fearlessness and letting go. And BREATHING… (like most dance forms are commonly about). Jeannie suggested I read “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman. The whole experience changed my life. I was so filled with joy. I felt confident, grateful, self-sufficient, happy. And now I feel like I’m finally getting a chance to be THAT happy again. Because I’m forcing myself to be the cause of my happiness. I don’t think living in the past is healthy but for the longest time I have wished I could be as happy as I was my sophomore year. And now… I am. Or at least I’m getting closer. It feels good. Really, really good.

Lastly. Angela told me a really funny story. She said she was walking down the street in New York and the girl in front of her was swinging her arms. Well of COURSE the Swinging Arms PUNCHES Angela in the crotch. And what does Angela do? Laughs. She laughs. Plenty of people would get so angry. “HOW DARE THAT RANDO PUNCH MY COOCH!!” But Angela laughed about it, and she said it made her day. Wow. How bout them apples? So next time you get punched in the baby-maker by a stranger, try laughing. It might make you feel better about the throbbing pain in your uterus.

I am done selling my soul on the internet for today. I want to know who I am. Because how can I portray a character without truly knowing myself? (Eh? Eh?! There you go, Kelley).

Still grateful. And now I’m on week two. Yahtzee! I love you. All.

“So you think I’m alone, but being alone’s the only way to be. When you step outside you spend life fighting for your sanity. This is a cold war. You better know what you’re fighting for. This is a cold war. Do you know what you’re fighting for?”
~”Cold War” by Janelle Monae

Oh and Tim called me sexy today. My Day 9 picture would’ve been the mess I made on the floor after he said that but… it was an awkward moment in which to snap a photo.



Comments on: "9. Smartphone Alternative" (1)

  1. James:
    I am happy that you are finally finding the beauty inside yourself,and that you are happy! you deserve all the happiness that comes your way!

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