Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

12. Look Up

So again, not a very good day for many reasons. And I know some people had a far worse day than me, and I’m so sorry for you. But I only know my own bad day, and for me it was rough. I won’t get into the why and wherefore, because that’s really not the point. The point is: I have bad days two. But the point of this project is to find something every day that makes me happy. And I have succeeded thus far. But right now, I’m not OK. But.. I’m OK with not being OK. Because I have a lot of hope for my future, as I have said before. And at this moment I really don’t know why things are happening to me. For example when I first broke my collarbone I was so devasted and THEN I had to get surgery and I was even more devastated and I couldn’t see the big picture. Looking back now I can see the big picture. And breaking my collarbone was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. It really shook me up and changed my frame of reference. But right now I don’t see the big picture. Someday I will.

And more than anything, THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE YOU GAVE ME TODAY. It was all spontaneous, and I didn’t ask for any of it. Any of it. So many kind people on facebook and even the phone conversation with Teague. Teague, you lifted me so high and I am so so so grateful for your friendship. I don’t have words to express my gratitude but know that you have made me glow and smile for no apparent reason. 🙂 Well, the reasons are apparent. And my sisters are so good to me. Thank you for your random acts of love. With all the love it sort of felt like a spontaneous birthday. Ha! (Do you like that burst of laughter? If you have ever made me laugh you know EXACTLY what it sounds like.)

Oh, and in Jazz III I smized at Joan. She started it. And I picked up TWO MORE SHIFTS at the TLC. Holy F, life. You have been sooooooooooo fucking strange to me. So strange. Now that’s like $60 a week. What am I gonna do with all this money?! Oh yeah- EAT IT.

Here’s what lost to today’s picture. I took a picture of these baby bananas at Wal-Mart that said, “Try Me, I’m Sweet!” Um, ew. Disturbed. And I took a picture of my plateful of chicken in which you can see my ghetto holy sock with my toe poking out in the background. And if you know me you KNOW I FUGGIN LOVE CHICKEN. (Sorry for the swears, mommy.) Oh and while shopping at Wal-Mart I was teasing my hair with my free hand. And when I had my hands full I stuck my comb in my hair. Oh you think you know me but you have no idea. Here’s the picture:

If you’re having a bad day just look up. Look at that beautiful sky. Numerous clouds but you can still see the beautiful shining sun. Am I making a METAPHOR?! We’ll never know, whore. … I was trying to make a rhyme. Fails. But really we walk around so fast like someone’s lit a fire under our ass and we hold our breath all the way there as if we’re embarrassed of being in transit. ‘Oh my GAAAAHD, I’m walking! How laaaaaame!’ What the f? And we put in our headphones and turn up the music so loud so we can zone out until we get there. But how about the walk you just missed. That journey that you ignored when you were focusing on getting from Point A to Point B. Open your eyes. Look up. The sidewalk isn’t going anywhere (although that may be your excuse when you tripsies). I promise you won’t regret it.

“And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get.”
~”Haven’t Met You Yet” by Michael Buble

I love you, and I love you for loving me when I’m not ok. And not trying to change me into a happy machine. Cuz I’m not. I’m a human like everyone else. Don’t expect more than that from me.

LOVE
James

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