Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

ok. aGAIN. whops. Whoops. OMG rocky start. Again I apologize for not blogging last night. Stacy and I got into my bed at like 4 AM. So. I was not in the mood to do anything but pass the fook out. And I did. And here’s us:
Well. By “us” I mean “her”. Obvi. Dumb hoe-readers!

Oh but LET me educate you about my life recently.

Well. Last night at Plan B someone asked if I was on E (as in ecstasy). Um. I don’t know if I should be insulted that I looked like I was on E or flattered that someone thought I looked rich enough to afford E. And if ONLY this had been the first time I’d been asked that. Someone in high school asked me if I was E. Well, James, it seems you are doomed to a ecstacy-siumlated life. PLAYA!

Today was a good day. Hung out with some lovers. And Liz and Amanda were talking about how they made new Nancy Drew books. Liz said of the new Nancy Drew: “They made Nancy into some stupid, techno slut.”

And I saw Tangled, which is SUPER good. Like, some of Alan Menken’s best writing, in my opinion. I LIVE FOR FAIRYTALES! I really do. I aspire for my life to be like that. I am determined to have a fairytale ending. And a fairytale everything-in-between.

I struggle with being where I am. Like, tonight I was hanging out with Liz and Jian and Amanda and I received a text. And I picked up my phone to respond and Jian said, “Hey. Be in the moment.” And she was right. Bitch. 🙂 But there are moments in life where I feel like I’m just not connecting. So then I give up. Cuz I was sitting there and all I could think to say were things about myself. And I don’t wanna be that girl. That’s so gross. So I was strugglin’. But then I chilled the F out and took a breath and talked to my friends like a person. Easy as pie.

Sometimes I think I’m an easy target. Maybe it’s true and maybe it’s an insecurity. But for some reason, I feel like it’s easy to be mean to me. I’m not whining or looking for sympathy. I’m just stating an opinion.

Today, I was terrified. I am pretty scared shitless of what comes next. All I want is to be financially independent of my parents. I want to stop being a leechy bitch (those are my words, not theirs. never theirs). But I’m scared of things more immediate than graduation. I just keep thinking, ‘What am I doing?’ My answer is: “James. You are living. You’re being a rockstar. Doing things that scare you is a good thing. Push yourself, James. Keep going.”

And I have this sense of control right now. I’m enjoying it, no matter how false it is.

“Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child inside my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides. Can I handle the seasons of my life?”
~”Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac

“Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”
~”Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum

I’m the face of MoveOn.Com (as long as that’s a fictitious website with no political affiliation)

I keep my promises.

JAMES, the promise-keeper.

One more thing. I’m sucking out the poison but I’m realizing that I’ll/we’ll/you’ll always be sucking out the poison. There will always be room for damage control. So bring your grace to everything you do. Also something I’m realizing as I grow older is that the rules keep changing and they stop making sense and they don’t really apply anymore.


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