Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

200. Jamesy Grows Up.

Ok. Neither of these pictures are MY photography. They are by Nadia Wahhab (Quinn). Just thought I’d throw out the photo credit to her. She’s an amazing photographer if you ever need good headshots. You can look her up on facebook: Wahhab Photography. I don’t think she really advertises herself as a photographer anymore but she’s supes good. So. Here’s a headshot from my freshmen year (2008) and a headshot from this year (2011):

Holy F. 3 years. What a difference. I picked two pictures where I’m laughing to show the difference. Besides the skin tone and the color of my hair… look at how different I look! Physical proof of the passage of time. You can hold onto feelings or grudges or heartbreak as long as you want but your body will move on without you. Go with the flow. Let time pass.

So I had another date tonight. You know what? I’m not really looking for a serious relationship of any kind. I’m moving to New York by the fall, at least, possibly in the summer if I don’t get a job. I’m not really looking to fall in love. I’m looking to grow and move on and get my heart beating again without trepidation. And my mom talked about how when she was younger, you could just go on dates with people. You weren’t committed to one person right away. And that’s what I’m doing. I’m not being exclusive, but these were all just dates. I don’t want to keep it secret, cuz then it looks all shady and shit. But I made it clear to everyone that I am definitely moving to NYC in the fall, and I have no intentions of changing my plans. I think it’s pretty clear that all of these dates were just dates, not interviews for possible marriages. So anyway! The date I went on tonight was great. They all were great. But this guy told me the sweetest story about his parents. They’ve been married forEVER, and he said they have this motto that they tell each other on every card on every holiday, whether it be Christmas, Valentine’s Day, their anniversary, Thanksgiving, whatever. They always say/write this to each other: “At least 100 years”. He said they’re madly in love with each other.

UGH. ALJELJRALERJ. BAAAAAAAAH. Look? See, CRUEL WORLD, being a hopeless romantic is NOT totally hopeless. Staying in love for 50+ years is possible. You can have rough patches and still love each other until the end of time. (He didn’t say anything about rough patches but one must assume these people are human.) UGH. It just gave me so much hope. THIS STILL HAPPENS!! It’s not just in the movies. Romantic comedies aren’t these bizarre, absolutely fictitious situations. It can happen, everlasting love. And THIS is why I continue to dropkick my heart to keep beating. I CAN HAVE WHAT I WANT. I know it takes the utmost patience. But having proof that what I want is out there, that gives me the patience and hope I need. And the justification to keep being a starry-eyed idealist. I won’t settle. I’m sorry, but I know I’m different. I don’t need peptalks (generally). I know what I’ve got, and I want to share it with someone. I am ready (sort of) to light up someone’s life! Look, I don’t need someone to complete me (in terms of a boyfriend). I really think you need to be your own person and THEN you can date. You’re not there to keep each other better; you’re there to make life that much more AMAZING. My opinion. BUT. Alas. All of this must wait til NYC. Cuz I’m not settling down here. I refuse to stay here. Love you guys to pieces, but I gotta fly. It’s gonna be like ripping my heart out when I move but I know it’s right for me.

Oy. Tangents, James.

Make me laugh. My life is too short to spend it every day with someone who can’t make me laugh. Caity was like, “That’s SUPER important to you”. And yes, it is. I don’t want to spend my life with someone who can’t make me laugh. That’s a whole lot of time I’m going to be wasting NOT laughing. And that is NOT something I want. By any means.

God, I’m Auntie Ranty tonight (you must pronounce that with a midwestern accent to make that rhyme).

Please tolerate my rants.

Anyway, that story made me grab my heart and at the moment, I remembered exactly who I am. I am THAT person. James Fierce is a nice change. OH. Something I was told on my date tonight. He said he was attracted to me because I was super outgoing, confident and I was absolutely elated. He said I had this energy. 🙂 And he said that that was attractive.

Keep being exactly who you are. Cuz apparently, it’s sexy.

Don’t forget what makes your heart beat.

Past my bedtime.

I love you to pieces. Literally, I want to squeeze you until you splode and then I can put you in a bag, take you to NY with me in my carry-on, and then glue you back together when I get there so you can be with me forevers and evers. I may not tell you I love you in person but God you HAVE to know I do. I write this because I have so much love for you and I have to put it here because otherwise my overflowing amounts of love will keep my up all night.

Iloveyou. And you love me back.

“If it’s the only chance I get, if it’s the only chance then get ready to throw your shoes away, for I will sweep, sweep, sweep you off your feet.”
~”Little Romance” by Ingrid Michaelson



Comments on: "200. Jamesy Grows Up." (1)

  1. heartbeat

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