Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Today was a good day. I did almost absolutely nothing and it was so fucking glorious. At one point I went to Taylor’s and saw this though:

TADA. Yes. Beautiful. This is something for me to remember. Cuz I’m constantly looking for the answer. As if I don’t  know. But why if I just said I knew and violently made a decision? I can be exactly who I want to be so why don’t I just make a declaration of who I am and do it. This is about deciding who I am and who I want to be. I have the power to make that decision. So I shall.

Here’s what I did today. There are some gem-erific stories in there. I went to Perkins with TayTayBoo and there was this old man sitting behind us. When he was leaving he said..
Old Man: Young man, can I ask you a question?
Me: Yes.
Old Man: Is this your girlfriend?
Me:… Yep!
Old Man: Well, how did you get to be with such a beautiful girl?
Me: I’m just a lucky guy, I guess.
Old Man: (to Taylor) And how did you get to be with such an ugly guy?
Me and Taylor: ….
Old Man: (to me) I mean, the only guy uglier than you is me. (He giggles and walks away as I sit there spoochless)

No need to comfort me. I don’t think I’m ugly. But I DO think it’s a funny story.

So the rest of my day… I worked out. HOLLUR! 6 PACK TIME! Then I watched This Is It with Taylor and KK. Then I practiced piano and voice. Then I watched Coco Before Chanel with Gracie. And then I came home to watch my lovers KK and Andy drunkenly play videogames.

OK here are funny things that happened in my life recently.

Two days ago, I had to call Verizon to get my phone fixed. Well, first of all, the people who help over the phone at Verizon are SUPER FRIENDLY. They are always so nice to me. So so so so kind. Well, at one point in the conversation he needed my dad’s authorization for something. So he told me he was gonna put me on hold while he called my dad. So I sat on hold for like 4 minutes and then the super nice guy came back and said, “Alright, I got authorization from your father and he also wanted me to tell you he loves you.” ….I laughed pretty hard. OF COURSE my dad did that. Of course he did. And I’m still laughing thinking about it.

And just now, KK tried to say “soup kitchen” and she said “Skoop kitchen”. I am still laughing.

And THEN. The other day in improv, Spooner asked Brynn what her favorite color was and she responded, “…CATS!” I almost pissed myself, and still… I’m laughing.

HEY, LOOK, JAMES! You’re better than last night. I found a renewed sense of peace of not knowing. There are some questions I’ll never know the answer to. And I have come to terms with that. But last night, I was just frustrated with the not-knowing all over again. But today, after trying to sort it out again out loud and talking about it with people, I realize there’s no reasoning with it. It’s a stubborn issue and for some reason, my body is just determined to be mad about it. But I have taken that anger, put it on a raft, and set the raft on fire. I bet you thought I was gonna set the raft on the river and watch it float away. Nah, I’d rather watch it burn.

I’m working out again tomorrow.

Is it stupid to flirt right now? NAAAAAAAAAAH. BECAUSE I’M A FUCKIN ROCKSTAR.

oh! And today, at the end of the day, Emily Christianson wrote on my wall: “You. Are. Fabulous. That’s all.” It made me smile real big. And the other day, Melissa Briggs wrote on my wall: “You’re cute. Thought you might need a reminder…”

man oh man, I am such a lucky guy.

OH. last thing. Tonight is full of happiness. I think I totally needed this day to recharge. Well. My new headphones have a microphone built into the cord. So I can plug my headphones into my phone, put my phone in my pocket and just talk. So I was sitting in the NFAC today talking to my mom and co. on the phone. But I’m just sitting there talking to myself, like those people who use bluetooth at the grocery store. So I’m talking to my headphones and my mom gives the phone over to Ava (my 2-year-old niece) and I say, “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!” and this girl is walking past and she says, real direct, “Hi!” Haha. I’m officially one of those douchebags 🙂

You have to know what you’ve got because people are gonna get sick of telling you. Your friends will remind you, but you can’t expect it. I have to be Team James if I expect my friends to be Team James.

Know what you got.

“you were always inconsistant
doin somethin & then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
 
well
i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers
& their ways
i will play oliver lake
loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it
 
i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime you wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself” [sic] 

~for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf by Ntozake Shange
(emphasis added)

JAMES.

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