Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

I FINALLY HAVE CAUGHT UP ON MY BLOGS! I’m so sorry… if anyone was terribly offset or offended. I am super sick, and I was trying to get over it. So I was sleeping a lot. Do not be mistaken gypsies, I’ll be sleeping in tonight as well. But I had time to catch up cuz I CAN SLEEP IN TOMORROW. THANK YOU JESUS FUCK. Ooooo that was probably sacrilegious. My badsies.

IIIII got some tablework done today for “Go Forth”. I was feeling pretty nervous about the show, cuz i felt like I was just faking it for a while. But I worked it out a bit tonight instead of going out. I feel better. I mean, not like I’m healthy enough to go out, but I was proud of myself for using my time wisely. I still have a shit ton of work to do, but I am determined to do Maggie’s show justice.

Britney’s music video came out for “Till The World Ends”. First of all, I would like to congratulate her on a pretty sessy music video. AND! She looked more committed. She was really working it at times in the video. I felt like a proud mom watching the video. Every time she humped with purpose, I got this HUGE grin on my face. “You hump that gay man, Brit!!” And she’s so damn pretty. I’M ROOTING FOR YOU BRITNEY!! (and so is my sister… who’s half-convinced she is you… damn freak.) Anyway. In the video, there was this dude wearing goggles around his neck. Caity and I have been trying hard to make goggles happen in terms of a fashion statement. (My goggles are Stacy’s. I’m taking good care of them, I promise!!) So after I saw the dude wearing goggles in the music video, that was all I needed to feel validated to wear goggles to class today:
Note the goggles around my neck. And the face. I um. I have a problem with taking pictures of myself. I feel like if I try to pose all good, then I look stupid. Soooo I purposefully make myself loook stupid. (just like I purposely misspelt looook). Cuz now if you say, “UUUUUUUUUH YOU LOOK STUPID!” I say, “Huzzah! But of course! Twas my intention, you foul monkey fart!” …. I dunno, my insults get real weird when I’m tired. And Scott loves cleaning and I’m currently inhaling a fuckload of bleach. Does it damage me? I don’t think so. I think it just makes me more fun….fetti!

I didn’t mind spending the night in. I spent some quality time with some lovers: Meagan, Scott, Jilly. Man, I’m gonna be a mess when I have to leave. It’s such a taboo subject sooo pretend I said nothing. KK- get your ass back here god damnit. You, too, mommy. Tay. Morgy. Everyone. Bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But it was nice to just chill. Cuz I don’t wanna be wasted with the people I love. I want to be sober and fully absorbing every last second with these beautiful, inspiring people.

Oh and….

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGGYBOOBOO!!!!! You’re an old twatski today!! You will always be my favorite scatting partner!

Tonight Meagan changed the words in “Sunday” to the following:
“People strolling through the trees… in an ordinary park…. on an island when you’re WINNING!!”

I laughed really hard. Like, my throat hurt from laughing. God, that’s the best feeling. I burned a lot of calories. Thanks, Meggy.

You’re different. Why would you shun that part of yourself? It’s what makes you YOU. I love it. I think you should, too.

Gaining self-esteem is like losing weight. You have to set your mind to it and really work hard. You have to hold yourself accountable for slipping up and ask your friends to help you out today. You just have to decide, “I’m sick of beating myself up.” I have to be Team James if I want to be happy. And vice versa.

This is the part where I blog about how much I love Amanda Knutson. She sat on my lap two seconds ago and suggested I blog about how much I love her. I’m not sure if she’ll read this but… you sat on my lap and rubbed my back. You’re really good at that. And you’re fun to hug. And you smell good. And you have a pretty face and a cute laugh. You’re personable, and I always feel like you care about what I have to say. You never seem fake to me, and I appreciate your genuineness. And those are the ways I love Amanda Knuston.

“All I heard was nothing.”
~”Nothing” by The Script

“I’m sorry, I afford a Ferrari. But that don’t mean I can’t get you there.”
~”Fuck You” by Cee-Lo Green

“Congratulations to you. You had to let it go. I’m glad you let it go. You finally let it go. Glad you let it go. You keep dreamin’. Don’t let your dreams die, you know? Life is not a rehearsal. You gotta live it out. You gotta do it, baby. You gotta do what you’re gonna do. Come on, somebody’s gotta hear me.”
~”Lettin Go” by Janelle Monae

“See the sunlight. We ain’t stoppin’. Keep on dancin’ til the world ends. If you feel it, let it happen. Keep on dancin’ til the world ends.”
~”Till The World Ends” by Britney Spears

“I’ve a good and a bad side, but they’re one and the same.”
~”The Games I Play” from Falsettos (by William Finn)


These days are numbered. And I love you all.


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