Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Well. Today Jilly and I were sitting side-by-side in these chairs by the windows and I said we should hold hands and take a nap. I said that we looked like two old people who decided to pass at the same time. But we looked like this:
We both look terribly cute. I am thinking of getting my chin amputated because I am nine thousand times cuter without it. It’s not debatable because it’s a fact. And please note my bush of plastic wrap. Too much? Eh. If you’re looking to have fun/laugh instead of entice/seduce, then DO IT. And Jilly….well. Obvi super cute.

I find that I have much more fun when I’m enjoying my life instead of trying to be cute all the time. For example, I was sitting at this table and then this super cute dude sat down. And I was wearing my goggles, and I all of a sudden was like, “UGH I’M SUCH A FREAK WHY AM I WEARING GOGGLES AS A FASHION STATEMENT!” And then I let it go and realized I was being me, 1,00,000%. Sooooooo BYE, insecurity.

I have a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge problem with chinstraps… in that I lose my mind over them. I must just be obsessed with jawlines. Definitely obsessed with jawlines. And when someone has some sort of emphasized jawline, I got crazy. Perhaps I want them to bodycheck me with their razor jaw, who knows.

I’m sad and I don’t know why.

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy. (FINALLY I’M GETTING CAUGHT UP) And I was just sitting there like, “Why can’t I connect??” Not just to Grey’s but with life. But I ALWAYS get here and have this thought and then I start to freak out that I’m a robot. But then I just told myself to stop worrying and let go. And then I could feel the flow again. Cuz when I freak out, I start to clench and I think that cuts off the highways in my body and creates this blockage. So I need to chill out. But lately, I’m always freaking out. I’m constantly freaking out over various things.

No more freaking out. No more freaking out.

Today I was freaking out and I started whispering to myself, “You’re alive You’re alive You’re alive You’re alive You’re alive.” And Katie overheard me and said, “You’re not just alive, you’re winning.” Those were the perfect words for that moment. Cuz they were sincere and they made me laugh. Perfect save. Thanks, Momsy.

Ok. Things I did right today. I said how I was really feeling. Jilly wanted to go to K Bueno and I said I would go with her. And she said something like, “Are you gonna come?” or “I don’t want you to come if you don’t want to”. And I said, “No, I wanna go cuz I wanna spend time with you.” And I meant that. I think I’m gonna say how I feel more often. Blunt like that. Only if it helps. Cuz the truth is sometimes a bitchwhore but in that moment, it wasn’t.

Ok, I know why I’m sad, but I’m trying to ignore it so it goes away.

What if I just went away? What if I just bought a one-way ticket to Argentina? Or Costa Rica? Just by myself. What if I did that. Then what.

I saw this on Sister’s profile (Steph). Her status: to decompose is to recompose. Yes.

Best part of my night is when Jilly and Morgy came in here and gave me a massage. I just love being touched. Literally. Even if it was the worst massage of my life, I wouldn’t care, cuz I love being touched. I love physically feeling the care. I like someone taking the time to connect to me to make me feel good. I love that. You can’t fake touch, because I can tell when it’s half-assed. And I can tell when someone really loves me.

“Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets?”
~”Cry” by Kelly Clarkson

“Oh, I’ll be the one to break my heart. I’ll be the one to hold the gun.”
~”I Feel It All” by Feist

JAMES.

i’malivei’malivei’malivei’malivei’mwinning

(facebook usually makes me happy, except for when it doesn’t. and when it doesn’t James, what do you do? AVOID!)

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