Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

226. The Wholehearted

OK. Jian got me hooked on TedTalks and she sent me this really good one that you NEED to watch. I have been feeling totally lost and …really lonely lately. But I finally watched this TedTalk that Jian sent me about the power of vulnerability. Here’s a slide from the video: And here’s the video: (http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html)
She talks about.. a lot. Her name is Brene Brown. She talks about …just god. I could literally post the transcript of her TedTalk here, and that would be enough. She really opened up my eyes and made me feel. She talked about pushing through the fear. Like, when you’re in a relationship and you think, ‘How can I really love you this much,’ you just keep pushing through the fear.

She said this, too: “When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak”.

GOD. The whole thing is so beautiful. I plan on watching it like, every fuckin day. She talks about putting yourself out there. And she talks about loving with our whole heart even though there’s no guarantee that the other person will love you back. She talks about being the first person to say, “I love you”. She talks about having the courage to be who you really are. She talks about how when you numb the bad feelings like grief, disappointment, heartbreak, etc. you ALSO numb the good stuff like joy. She talks about feeling everything. She talks about loving yourself before you can really love others. She talks about how the happiest people believe they feel worthy of being loved.

YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS VIDEO.

I. I learned a lot about myself from watching this video. I learned that I haven’t been letting myself be vulnerable. I didn’t want to feel pain anymore so I just turned it off. And then I ended up turning off other emotions too, and that’s why I’ve been feeling like a zombie lately.

I don’t want to be a zombie.

She talks about how vulnerability is the birthplace of so many beautiful things. I want those beautiful things. I have to be willing to get my heart shattered again. I have to be willing to be who I really am and trust that people will still love me. I have to put myself out there, even if I don’t know if I’ll get what I want. I have to be willing to fail. I have to be willing to fall to pieces or I’ll never feel that immense joy of feeling like I’m a part of something bigger than me.

It’s all about connection. And I want to feel connected. I want to feel worthy of connection.

She says that we live pretending that our actions don’t affect other people. That’s why I can’t do hook-ups. Because I don’t want to fuck up the other person. I don’t want them to fall in love with me, and then be like, “Well, all I wanted was sex”. I can’t do that to another person.

I’m ready to feel it all. I’m taking both sides of my ribcage and tearing myself open to expose my beating heart. Come on in. I propose authenticity.

I’m terrified, and I’m sick of doubting myself. I’m done with it.

I’m putting myself out there.

I’m standing on the ledge, and I don’t care if I’m by myself. I’m waiting for you to join me, but I’ll jump alone.

Vulnerability means doing things you’re bad at. It means risking failure. It means being the first one to say, “I love you”. It means asking for help and asking for love. I am publicly asking for both now.

I love you.

“The water sustains me without even trying. The water can’t drown me. I’m done with my dying.”
~”The Water” by Johnny Flynn and Laura Marling

I LOVE YOU AND I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME BACK.

JAMES.

Vulernability=winning.

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