Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

231. Pretty Cow (Car)

Look at the beautiful color of this car!!!!
I was taking a walk with Amanda and all of a sudden, we walked past this beautiful car. I just had to stop and take a picture. It was SUCH a beautiful color. I couldn’t get over it. It was like this bluish color with a bit more indigo in it. It was so stunning. And it was just a frickin’ car. But I thought it was beautiful nonetheless.

Stacy made crepes this morning. YUM. And she taught me how to melt white chocolate chips to make a white chocolate chip drizzle. DOUBLE YUM. And then the crepes she made me, she stuffed them with white chocolate chips and then covered them with white chocolate chip drizzle. TRIPLE ORGASMO! So yummy yummy Kato’s Cajun.

My second niece was born today: Sofia Grace. I know, I totally should’ve taken a picture of her but.. it’s just the last thing that crossed my mind when I was holding her; “Oh, I should take a picture of this!” No. I was just… ya know, terrified that I would drop this terribly breakable human being. She couldn’t even open her eyes yet. It was as if they were glued shut. But the baby is totally healthy and my sister is recovering. But.. babies are so magnificently tiny. Their fingernails! It’s insane. They just have so much growth and so much life ahead of them. It’s amazing.

So of course, it started me and my friends on the conversation of babies/marriage. A delightful topic. But the thing is… I can’t even get married. It’s not legal. And ya know, it’s not like I’m planning on doing it any time soon. But… even if I was, I wouldn’t be able to do it. And ya know, you wouldn’t think about that on a daily basis if you’re not gay. Because straight people can dream about marriage and what it’s gonna be like and they can dream aloud about it.. but the thing is, they could go get it if they want to. For me, it’s just a dream. Cuz I can dream aloud, too, but it’s not something I can have, unless I uproot my life and change residence. But why should I have to do that? Again, I don’t even have a boyfriend to get married to. But still. It’s unattainable (currently). So for me, marriage becomes as mystical as superheroes and Hogwarts.

But yeah, I guess I want a kid some day. I have a lot of love to give. And I might as well give it to a kid. WAY LATER ON IN MY LIFE. Not now, by any means. I mean, again, how the F would I do that?

One more thing I want to clarify: when I started this blog, I thought I was doing it because of someone else. I thought I was doing it because of heartbreak and I wanted to heal myself. But you know what, it is my fault I ended up where I was at Day 1 on this blog. I lost sight of myself and that’s no one’s fault but my own. And this blog isn’t about fixing what’s fucked up; it’s about regaining myself and being the James I want to be. The James with an impeccable sense of humor, an incomparable sense of worthiness, an abundance of love/joy and an endless supply of optimism. This blog was started because of me. And I’m doing it to take note of the beauty of every day life. Simple life. I’m living without a boyfriend, and I think it’s so important to remember that you can be happy on your own. Am I justifying my single life? Perhaps. But I also hope you know you can do happy all on your own. You don’t need to wait to find “the one” until you’re unbearably happy. Yes, I have an incredible support system of friends. But it’s enough. Happiness is so much simpler than it may seem. Happiness is literally a choice. For example: a slight smoldering in my stomach when I feel lonely. Choices: Sadness that I am in pain OR Happiness that I can feel something, laugh at the fact that I can feel lonely when I have so much beautiful friends. I mean, really, it’s so silly. That feeling of loneliness when you’re around people you love. Cuz, it’s so dumb, cuz you don’t want to say it out loud cuz you don’t want to demean the time you’re spending with your friends. But it’s weird. Feelings don’t always make sense. The heart is so so stupid. Leave rationality to the brain cuz all the heart does is feel.

I choose to smile. Feeling this bizarre, seemingly random tinge of pain right now… sort of all day, it’s just a reminder that I’m alive. And I remember that feeling this means I can feel it all. Feel it all.

“Nobody knows where they might end up. Nobody knows.”
~”Cosy In The Rocket” by Psapp

JAMES.
And maybe I’m sad for no reason but then I have a beautiful new niece. So, new baby niece Sofia Grace trumps silly sadness that I choose not to mute.

But I’m still winning.

James the Uncle (again).

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