Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Ok. This isn’t the exact right picture but the technology in my life is being really really bizarre tonight. So I’ll fix the picture when my computer allows me to. But. It was a beautiful day. And seeing that ray of sunshine. It was kinda warm in our house. And it was kinda warm standing outside. And bathing in the warm of sunlight, UGH, it feels so good. That’s why I get so jealous of my cat. (When I’m not hating him.) Cuz it feels SO GOOD to just lie in the sun. If only it didn’t cause skin cancer. Damnit.

Good day. Seeing family=winning.

There’s a really cute picture of Ava sitting with Sofia. You should check out my facebook if you wanna see it. I almost posted it as my picture of the day butttttttt I didn’t take the picture.. and I wasn’t there for it. And idk. This is actually mine. So. Here it is.

Teague told me today that she thought I should definitely be a father. That’s an awesome thing to hear. And like.. I don’t know. I would love to have a kid. Some day. Like. Really late in my life.

I was talking to someone today about their relationship. And they said that their significant other said to them, “You’re the one for me. You’re the one I’m gonna marry. You’re the one I’m gonna spend my life with.” And I just got kinda queasy. Like, really queasy.  And it seemed almost funny to me. My reactions are a bit… unique, I would say. I understand where all the emotions come from. I’m sure you do, too. But ugh, being in that position (again) sounds absolutely horrifying. If someone said that to me, I would slap them in the face and tell them to shut their piehole. Immediately, cease the air flowing from your mouthhole. Stop that nonsense.

Marriage would be awesome. But I’m not gonna do it unless it’s perfect. Like. Needs to be at LEAST a five year relationship. At least. And they/we will NEVS discuss it in the middle. No. Nopies Nopes Nopers. Nevsies evsies. (See how I make cute of a serious situation?)

I know I’m an artist. I know that. And that was comforting to me today. I was filled with that bizarre, random empty feeling again today. And I never bring it up cuz I don’t want to make a situation about me. It’s awkward. So I tend to not say anything, and I try to figure it out on my own. But today when I had that realization that I am an artist, someone willing to work my tits off for no money in order to make good art.. that made me feel good today. Cuz I know I am hardcore dedicated to my craft. And all the pain in between and amidst my artistry, it’s just honing my craft. It’s fueling the fire in me that I use to ignite my art. So. Keep on hurting, Jamesiepoo.

In the one act I was just in, (Go Forth), Katie had a line where she said, “‘ello poppet.” My dad was saying how he thought that line was funny but he misquoted it terribly… he said, “Hello tinkerbell.” Um. NOT the same, daddy.

Sometimes I forget how awesome it is.

I just need a face to stick my dreams on.

Dear, Pain. You are welcome here, but please know you will not be staying love. Love, James.

“Everybody knows what happens next: you fade like a shadow.”
~”Fade Like A Shadow” by KT Tunstall

The power of music. 🙂

bye

JAMES.

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