Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

234. The Showman

The smell of my cologne makes me reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally happy:
It’s Dolce and Gabana. It’s called “Le Bateleur”. And apparently, it means “street performer”. Or “showman”. So. I’m the ringleader, like Britney Spears.

Here’s a common fault I’m sure I share with many others: whenever I get sad, I assume it’s the residuals of heartbreak. But it’s not. It’s loneliness, pure and simple. That desire to truly connect to another human being. I really do/don’t want to be in a relationship right now. It’s far too terrifying and like a good friend of mine said, I’m sure I’ll someday meet someone who’ll make me believe in it all over again. But right now, nopesies nopes. But that creeping sadness, you can’t just assume that you’ve backtracked and that you’re back to square hot mess. Because you’re not. I’m not. I just want someone to truly connect to. It absolutely does not need to be a boyfriend. It just needs to be a human being with a pulse. I want to give my love to someone else and feel it come back to me. I want to know that someone cares about me. And it’s simply that. I’m not pining for a relationship. I’m pining for connection.

Jian Li showed me this article that analyzed song lyrics of our generation, and it was saying that we’re maybe becoming more and more narcissistic. Like.. being obsessed with winning. Or singing songs about, “Oh my god, I’m so sexy you want me bad.” But you know what, I feel like these songs/mottos are necessary. I’m doing my best to survive in this world where I feel disconnected and lonely. So I’m doing my best to pump myself up by talking about WINNING or singing songs like, “Baby, I’m a rockstar” or “You know I know how to make ’em stop and stare as I zone out” or “Make me feel like I’m the only girl in the world”. These things get me through the day. This major gets catty. Cut-throat. It gets personal, unfortunately. And yeah, according to the article, this possible newfound narcissism may be causing increasing feelings of loneliness and disconnectedness amongst our generation. And I think it’s a vicious cycle. Because as my generation becomes more and more indifferent, I try harder and harder to boost myself up. To tell myself that regardless of all the bullshit people throw at me, I’m still WINNING. So what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to stop pumping myself up? No. Because for the most part, my generation won’t catch me if I fall. So. I catch me when I fall. And the friends I have who are like me and are resisting this disconnectedness and battling by loving, they catch me, too. But what am I supposed to do? Drown in a generation that won’t save me? It’s not about winning but it’s about telling myself that I am.

When I get sad, I just need to laugh. It’s as simple as that.


Do what makes you happy. Be winning. Incorporate “clowns” and “trolls” into your daily vocabulary.

I’m doing what it takes to survive.

“Hold on to what you know you’ve got. Hold on to what you’ve been given lately. Hold on cuz the world will turn whether you’re ready or not.”
~”Hold On” by KT Tunstall



Comments on: "234. The Showman" (1)

  1. “Resisting this disconnectedness; battling by loving.”

    I love how you phrased that. It’s so much easier to passively isolate yourself. Meaningful connections are the only things that keep my feet planted firmly on the ground. Otherwise, I float off into lonely nothingness. When that happens, I can only blame myself for not trying hard enough to stay rooted.

    And who cares about narcissism? You are winning, and have every right to do so. If ever someone has owned a year, it would be you. #everydayclowning

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