Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

…Why am I so creeped out by a mannequin with a wig?
Maybe I’m intimidated by this awesome wig? Maybe I’m jealous if this mannequin’s flawless complexion? Perhaps I’m terrified by the smize. (By the way, my mom said “smize” the other day… pretty great.) Or maybe I just like the fact that this mannequin is trying to get me to do something. It’s really playing its intention.

This just reminds me of that time I was at the mall with Edward, and he bumped into a mannequin… and then turned around and apologized to it. That was good shit.

So. My night was interesting. I saw Ira Glass speak, which was pretty awesome. He said some things that were really helpful to me, one of which being something like, “If you’re following a career in the creative arts, it’s ok to be bad at it for a long time. You have to be really bad for a while to get it all out and to get to the good stuff”. Thank you. I shall be WRETCHED then, with your permission. But then I went to the NFAC and practiced my showcase stuff, which went ok. And then I came home and I just felt super alone. I was super sad all the way home. But ya know, I just let it sit there and I was honest with myself, instead of battling to be SUPER AWESOME ALL THE TIME. But I did tell myself that despite my sadness, I was determined to go to bed in a good mood. So I watched some Happy Endings, a new show on ABC, SUPER hilarious. An awesome show that talks like my generation, thank god. And then Jilly and Scott and Meggy came home.. annnnnnd, well… none of us are perfectly happy. But… I don’t know, for me, being around them just makes me happier. And talking about what is eating me from the inside out… it’s really helpful, just to get it out into the universe. It’s nice to have a response (which I did receive) but more than anything, now my anxieties are the Universe’s burden, not mine. I got it out of my mouth, out of my head. And it doesn’t all sound so bad now that I got it out. Like… I think about what’s bothering me and I think… ‘What’s the worst case scenario?… What’s the best case scenario?’ I have proven to myself that I am a durable human being. And I’m gonna be ok. Yes, I’m pretty scared of falling apart. But like Jilly said, “If you do, it’s ok. If you don’t, that’s ok, too.” Yeah.

In order to make myself feel better, I walked around my kitchen talking to myself today.

No es el mismo cuando no esta enamorado.

I just want to say… it’s is blatantly obvious to me now, even in this lingering mood… that the world is full of endless possibilities. Anything could happen tomorrow, good or bad. Likely, both will happen tomorrow. But good will happen, too.

These days are numbered. Let’s make them count, Jamesie. And you, too.

Give it away.

“I’m alone, but I ain’t lonely. For a dreamer, night’s the only time of day.”
~”Santa Fe” from Newsies

Oh also, I lost this bracelet that I stole from Emma’s bathroom. So I bought a new one, and it came in the mail yesterday…. today I found the one I lost…. motherf. But that means that IIII get to keep a bracelet. Twinsies!!! Bet you’re really excited for that, Emma. Oh you BETTER read my blog, cuz I read yours.

I have a beautiful life. Not debatable. Fact.

JAMES.

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