Today I danced for…. like 5 hours. I danced with Jake, then two comp pieces then contact improv jam. And I am freakin’ tired.
I feel like I have experienced a bit more hate lately. I was walking down the street the other day and this car honked at me while I was texting. It scared the F out of me. Maybe they were trying to be friendly? Then I was on the phone the other day while I was walking and I was trying to cover the mouthpiece with my hand because of the wind. Well, I turned and looked at this guy in a car driving by and he gave me the finger. What the F-hole? Did I do something? And then I was wearing a scarf the other day and I was crossing the street and this guy screamed out his car in this voice, “I love your scarf”. OK. I assume it’s a hate crime, but maybe he was really just trying to be friendly?? But why do I just assume he’s being hateful? Cuz I thought he did it in like his “gay” voice. I dunno. And then today during a comp rehearsal, one of the choreographers was asking if her choreography looked too feminine on a man. So I was like, “I don’t know. Does it look feminine on me?” And she said, “No, cuz you’re a man” and then someone else said, “But he’s gay”.
WHAT. THE. F. Literally. What is going on lately? Some of it can be blamed on my hate-crime paranoia, yes. But really? Some of it is just hateful. Well, no use in dwelling on it. But here’s a thought: some people are just looking for an excuse to be angry. There’s just waiting for someone to look at them wrong so they can give them the finger. But I’m even guilty of this. For example, a car honking at me. Perhaps it was someone I knew? Perhaps they thought I was hot? But I immediately assume it was someone trying to fuck with me. But now I have two choices. I can
A) Get really, really mad about it and stomp around like an ape. Or
B) I can brush it off and move on to the next moment in my life, which is blogging and watching Harry Potter and talking about how badly I want Culver’s with Kaitlin.
Onward and upward, like Elle Woods. Elle Woods is most likely winning.
Also, I feel like these past two days I have been struggling to connect. Like, I’m trying really hard to connect and it’s not going well. I’m not sure what it is. I know part of it is me being self-conscious, but part of it is truthful. What is the answer? I don’t know. You tell me. I’m asking for help. I’ll twat for help, too. I’ll get back to you about how it goes.
I have absolutely no money right now, and I’m really trying to not ask my parents for money. It’s going… ok. I have really, really bad cravings for ice cream, soda and Culver’s… all of which I must ignore for lack of money. But I’m doing a really good job of just not. I’m making myself eat all of the food that I own. So tonight I made salsa chicken. Super yummy. And I have been eating a LOT of peanut butter and crackers… cuz I don’t have any chips.. Anyway. I’m trying to force myself to be an adult and stop asking for money. And I’m trying not to get stressed out about money. It’s actually going pretty well. 🙂
“Now there’s always time calling for me. I’m the light blinking at the end of the road. Blink back to let me know.”
~”Always” by Panic! At The Disco
(Being able to brush it off has been a vital skill in my life.)