Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

I did something naughty today:
I BOUGHT PIZZA!!! I was super hungry, and I have like nothing left. Like… nothing. And I was SO HUNGRY. So I bought a pizza. I tink this picture captures a lot. Please note the mix of fear and excitement in my face. There’s a bit of shame in my face, too. I really tried not to buy any food… but I.WANTED.PIZZA.SO.BAD. And more than that, I WANT A F*CKIN’ MILKSHAKE!! Oh my god, so bad. And I want just ice cream PERIOD. I want ICE CREAM. Oh my.

Today I had a day of basically passing through. My back is super f*cked up, but I’ve been trying to just ignore it. I think it’s just a muscle pain so I tried to let it go. It’s really bizarre. If I’m sitting down for more than 5 minutes, when I stand next it hurts like a MOTHERFUCKER in my lower back. Like.. pretty bad. I don’t cry but I whimper really loudly. I just keep telling myself that it doesn’t hurt as bad as when I broke my collarbone. But it’s been hurting all day sooooooo I’m thinking I’m gonna go to Delzell tomorrow. I never take pain medication cuz I hate it but I took some today. So that’s saying something. But I’m not really letting it get me down. I still laugh about it. So that’s good, eh? 🙂

I didn’t have much happen today. I was just sorta passing through today. But I had some good moments. I had to sing through my showcase stuff but I wasn’t doing very well cuz of the excruciating pain in my back. I hate making excuses so I tried to just sing through the pain… didn’t go very well. Couldn’t focus. Didn’t do a good job. But improv was fun today! Eh. Not the most eventful day. Not completely successful but I can still end it with authentic optimism. And that’s the point I’m trying to make.

I watched a TEDtalk from Eve Ensler today, the author of The Vagina Monologues. It was actually a pretty beautiful talk. She has this really beautiful moment at the end of the talk. She talks about how in her childhood she was abused and molested by her alcoholic father. She said then whenever the shit really started to hit the fan, she would wait for this imaginary character to arrive. She created this imaginary savior named Mr. Alligator. Whenever it got really bad, she would go to he room and pack her suitcase and she would call for Mr. Alligator and tell her she was ready. She said she’d been waiting her entire life, and she finally realized that he had arrived. We’re all waiting for Mr. Alligator. (http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_on_happiness_in_body_and_soul.html)

“When we give in the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us…  Happiness exists in action. It exists in telling the truth and saying what your truth is. And it exists in giving away what you want the most.”
~Eve Ensler

I guess this is what I’ve been looking for. The key part to this is that she says you should give away what you want the most, but you aren’t necessarily gonna get it back tenfold. But you’ll heal yourself. I’m not waiting for someone to come fix me. Maybe someday my Mr. Alligator will come, but I don’t got time to wait. I want to actively do something. I want to know that I’m doing everything I can to be everything I am.

On a side note I was watching Friends while I wrote this, and I saw the most precious little girl. And I’ve decided… I will have kids some day. I will. Yeah, it doesn’t really fit into my career and I don’t know when it’ll happen. I mean, I still can’t get legally married. And I want to have a fulfilling career in theatre. But I really, really want to have kid some day. Deal.Breaker.

JAMES (is giving away what he wants the most…. now I just have to figure out what that is…)
What do I want the most?

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