Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

244. To Hold A Baby.

So. Let me tell you all the amazing things I got pictures of today. Or better yet, let me show you. First, I wake up to eat breakfast. I open the fridge to find:
Yes. A bobby pin in the fridge. I um. I don’t know why. But. Alas. This picture is not the picture of the day. Because it got better.

First of all, my directing scene went really well. Thanks to my glorious, WINNING actors Jake and Evan. You’re the bombs (but like… winning bombs, not like WMD’s). So. THEN I run my music with Tim really quick. And he totally put me my mind at peace. He helped me realize that I just need to bring more of myself to my Showcase material instead of trying to be someone else. So. You know… that’s good, cuz being myself isn’t too hard (theoretically). As long as I’m fearless in being exactly who I am. But still, this is an amendable problem. Woohoo. Winning. THEN. On the way home, my daddy gets me Culver’s. THANK GOD. I WANTED IT SO BAD. It was SO fulfilling. Sure, I’ll tell you what I got: a chicken tender basket (BBQ sauce AND honey mustard) with french fries and a concrete mixer with KIT KATS. WINNING. So I took a really winning picture of it:
Please note Meagan winning in the background with her chocolate (go figure) ice cream. 🙂 But still. My day was not over.

So I get home to realize I haven’t eaten my Easter candy yet. And I realize… I HAVE A WHITE CHOCOLATE BUNNY TO EAT. So I took a few choice pictures with it:
I know it’s blurry but this picture best captures the pure excitement of the moment. Plus, my mom was winning in the background… cleaning cat puke off the couch…. while I, instead of helping, did a photoshoot of myself with a piece of chocolate. Not helping your mom? Not quite winning. Photoshoots with chocolate? Winning. It’s a situation of questionable ethics, like same-sex marriages but less revolting.

Then I went out with friends. So. I feel a bit uncomfortable going out to clubs that aren’t.. gay. I’m sorry, but it’s true that these environments are catered towards heterosexuals. Let me give you an example. We went to Whiskey River, and there was a stage. But they don’t let men dance on the stage (cuz you KNOW I would have). So. Girls dance on the stage while guys stand on the floor and grab at the girls while the girls shake their drunk boobies in the guys’ faces. Um. NOT WINNING. Also, why the fuck can’t I dance on the stage and shake my drunk boobies? NOT.FAIR. And I always feel a bit on edge when I’m at a club/bar that’s not gay. I just feel like I need to be careful. And I hate that feeling. But whatever, we were winning nonetheless. We went to some sketchy bar where we started a dance party and did pirouettes. Oh at one point, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and it was this bro…. this HAMMERED bro. And I was like, ‘Oh great, this is the part where I get called a fag.’ But nope. I was proven wrong-o. He gave me a hi-5 and said, “You’re awesome, dude. Keep living your life!” Um. Wow. I shall. Thank you. Drunkliments are the best. Also, at one point during the night, I saw a man dressed as Aladdin but the picture didn’t turn out the greatest (of COURSE I took a picture). At the end of the night.. I found a bikeseat underneath a car. WINNING:
But. Amidst all this winning, I got to hold my niece. Which was um….
I think babies are like.. the ultimate winning. Or just … love is the ultimate winning. I can’t describe how it feels. And I’ve heard people try to talk about holding babies but… it’s just… indescribable. I mean, I could try. But. You just. I don’t know. It’s just like holding this tiny tiny human being. Like… IIIIII used to be that small. Really? You’re joking. Well, thank GOD I used to be that small, otherwise I have a feeling my mom wouldn’t like me very much. Anyway. I can’t describe it. But sometimes things aren’t meant to be described. You just need to feel it and then bask in that amazing wonderment, that moment where everything else comes into perspective. Heartbreak and disappointment and fear and insecurity can suck it, cuz I held my niece.

I’m going to New York, whether I go alone with friends. I’m gonna make it happen.

“Wait til you don’t doubt no more, wait til you know for sure, and you will wait too long.”
~”Wait” by Get Set Go

JAMES (inspired)

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