Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Tonight was Players Banquet:
This was my FIRST piece of cheesecake. During the ceremony, I whispered… I “whispered” to Maggie, “Hey, are you gonna eat that cake?” Three people promptly handed me their cheesecakes. I only ate two pieces. I would’ve eaten more but then my inner monologue said, “STOP IT, FATTY!” Kaitlin just told me that only winners eat two or more pieces of cheesecake. I agree.

Today I had a relatively quick drive back to Stevens Point. It was like the fastest drive back to Point ever. So, that was winning! And then at Banquet, I left early cuz I felt bad that Leah was sitting all by herself in my room but then I came back and she said she was going to bed. So then I went back to Banquet and danced for a little. So I got the best of both worlds. So. That was pretty winning.

I’m auditioning for Chicago tomorrow in Middleton. Wish me luck.

I was talking to Stacy yesterday about my blog and she told me that she thought I was super brave and she admired my bravery, to admit publicly that I am a wreck. And I told her that I want people to know that it’s ok to be a mess, that it’s ok not to be 100%. I want to make a difference. I’m not just doing this for therapeutic reasons. I want people to be inspired to be honest and vulnerable and to face the music: how are you really feeling?

The more that you do shit that terrifies you, the less you’ll have to be afraid of. Right?

It’s OK to not be OK. As long as you’re pro-active about getting there. And I’m getting there. But I’m still winning.

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And once you realize that you’re ok or not ok, then you eat cake. Cake cake cake and more cake. And then you go start your life.

“I’m not running, and I’m not scared. I am waiting and well prepared.”
~”War Of My Life” by John Mayer

Indispensable. Invincible. Undefeatable.

JAMES (conquers)

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