Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

At the end of the night, I stopped by Jack’s for a lil bit. He had some letters on the fridge. We got creative. But Maribeth’s was pretty good:
We like to pronounce it like “eat mah dick”. It looks viable.

I cried today at the Verizon store. I went in and tried to sort out a problem. And I got so stressed and angry that I cried. I didn’t really get what I wanted. And that wasn’t really the “tactic” of crying. But I am proud of myself for letting it out. Cuz I was there all by myself, and I was crying in public. And people around me were definitely uncomfortable. But I’m really proud of myself for letting it out. So, I didn’t get exactly what I wanted. But indirectly, I did. Lately I’ve really wanted to not stifle. And today I did, and I was in an extremely vulnerable environment. So good for you, James. Public pep talks=winning.

Sometimes when I don’t fulfill my expectations of myself, I get really down. Like today, I didn’t really treat myself as well as I should. And I ignored myself. And here’s the problem: Yo quiero enomorarse. Más de nada. Yo me hago pasar como si no quiero amor. Pero solo porque tengo miedo que no pueda amar alguien. Tengo más que miedo. Me duele mucho cuando vea mis amigos que están enamorándose. Yo estoy tan feliz para ellos, pero no puedo negar que yo estoy celoso. Pero necesito seguir fuerte en esto blog. A mí parece que no pueda confesar que necesito ser amado. ¿Y qué haría yo si el amor de mis amigos no es suficiente? ¿Si no es bastante? Tengo miedo del amor pero lo quiero el más. Y yo sé que lo merezco. ¿Pero qué pasa si yo no soy bastante? ¿Si él sale de mi una vez más?  ¿Y si me rompe?  ¿Si no puedo hacerlo una vez mas?  ¿Si yo rompo?

If you don’t speak Spanish, let me just boil it down for you right here: I want to be in love. Badly But I feel like it’s weak for me to admit that. I don’t know why. Maybe cuz dependence means weakness to me? But what if admitting needing someone is strong? What if admitting something as terrifying as that gives you strength? Oy.

I want to fall in love. But I know it’s not my time yet. I still have many lessons to learn on my own. I dated solid for 7 years. 9 months of solitude isn’t enough. It’s not your turn yet, Jamesie.

Sometimes at the end of a long day when I’ve disappointed myself, I go to bed and I vow to do better tomorrow. I still like myself right now, but I know I could’ve done better. BUT. I learned a lot today. And I have close the books on a certain issue in my life and I know exactly who I am… in that respect. I bet you LOOOVVVVE when I speak/type so vaguely. I’m being so indirect, it’s like, Am I even hitting the right keys??

I vow to be kinder to myself tomorrow. But Jamesie, you got a lot accomplished today. Good for you.  And after 11 years, you’re finally cleaning your closet. Good for you.

I went through my stuffed animal collection today, and I kept a few things. I really want to give my kid some of the stuffed animals I had when I was young. I feel like those things have meaning, character. So future Jameslet, I hope you’re pleased, even though you exist in nothing more than my sheer determination to some day raise you.

Hope is enough. Faith, too.

“There is a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don’t have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.”
~Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy

I’m gonna be stewing over that one for a while. Solution? Maybe it’ll come to me in my dreams. Or anywhere. It’ll come to me anywhere. I just need to be listening. I guess I should make the question more specific….: Can I survive another heartbreak? There. Answer that.

Hopeful but pensive.

And always full of boundless love.

I’m listening.

JAMES.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: