Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

OK. I have some things to say. First let me say, I LOVE A GOOD GAY CLUB. Cuz I love dancing more than my life. I love being so sweaty that my weave/toupee falls off. I love dancing so hard my abs hurt. I love forgetting where I am cuz I’m getting kicked so hard in the head by the bass of Gaga. I like to get so greasy that I am no longer attractive and then I can no longer worry about being presentable to a potential suitor. Then I can get down to business and do what I came there for: WINNING/SWEATING/THEY’RE THE SAME THING. So, in honor of the beautiful, beautiful thing that is gay clubs:
This is my PLAN B bracelet. When you enter the club, you present them your ID and if you’re winning, you get a wristband. So. I got a wristband. (These “facts” are based on a true story (of ham).) I’m getting off subject, aren’t I? Plan B, you are the GREATEST gay club I have ever been to. Ever. You make me so happy. Yes, occasionally there are far too many straight couples grinding like mo’fuckers. I mean, you’re welcome there. But the thing is: y’all can go bump uglies in any old club and feel right at home. Whiskey River, Wando’s, Brother’s. That’s for straight couples. But here’s the thing, if you are straight and you come to dance at Plan B… that’s totally awesome. I want my friends to be there dancing with me. But you have to realize the environment you are in and how vulnerable we (the queers) are being. This is FINALLY a place where we can be ourselves. So we’re gonna let it all out, full force. We’ll be bumpin’ uglies like we just got out of prison. Because we’re used to being in environments where we can’t express our affection. Yes, we’ll be making out with randoms, because we’re looking for validation ANYWHERE. And if it happens in a dark, hazy club, so be it. Everyone just wants to feel like they fit in. So, you might feel a bit out of place if you’re a straight person in a gay club. But WELCOME TO OUR WORLD. The world is designed for everyone else. Unconsciously. Plan B is specifically designated to make us feel at home. This one place. Among three places in Madison. Three. Count em on one hand. There are approximately 208,949 people living in Madison and there are THREE buildings where we can feel totally ourselves. So do not be alarmed when you see HARDCORE HUMPING. And also, dear straight men, if you come to a gay club: YOU WILL GET HIT ON (if you look winning). So you don’t get to be disgusted when a guy tries to dance with you. This is a queer space. You will be assumed to be queer or an ally. And if you’re an ally, you definitely shouldn’t be disgusted. I don’t know how you’re supposed to deal with it. Be flattered. Blush. Dance with them. Have a good time. Whatevs. Just be kind. We’re opening ourselves up in the club and we’re risking to be who we really are. That’s the unspoken contract you agree to when you walk into Plan B: you’re acknowledging that this is a play where you can be GAY GAY GAY and it’ll be 110% acceptable. THIS IS NOT ME SAYING “STRAIGHT PEOPLE STAY AWAY”. And this is also not be generalizing all straight people. If this doesn’t apply to you, just read it as a silly Hansen rant. But if you’ve never seen/been exposed to this perspective before, just take it in stride. I get ranty.. but so did Larry Kramer and look where it got him: PRETTY DAMN FAR. So, perhaps my ridiculous use of hyperbole for the sense of humor’s sake will get me just as far. (But I’m not exaggerate when I say you will see some x-rated grinding at a gay club. That’s just how we do.)

Next note: something terrible happened last night. Worse than anything I just wrote about. So. We’re dancing (me and Caity and new friends). And ok. What I love about being in queer spaces is that… for the most part, people are so friendly. In these spaces, I almost always feel 100% comfortable starting up a conversation with a stranger. And dancing like a freak always goes down well because… they know how it feels to bottle it up all day and how AMAZING it feels to just EXPLODE. But anyway, I love it. I love feeling comfortable. Duh. So we’re dancing. And this shifty little gay walks up next to Caity, pauses… AND THEN SHOVES HER REALLY HARD AND WALKS AWAY. Not. Ok. So, as he scuttles away, I grab his arm.
Me: What was that about?
Terdface: What?
Me: Why did you push my friend?
Terdface: I didn’t do anything.
Me: Yes, you did. I saw you.
Terdface: Well, it was an accident.
Me: No, it wasn’t.
Terdface: Well, I’m sorry.
Me: No, you’re not.

So then we go around in circles for a little while while this intoxicated terdface is recycling the same inebriated answers. I’m fuming. I go find the biggest security guard I can find, and tell him the situation. He asks me what the kid looks like and where he is. He tells me not to aggravate the situation (REALLY HARD TO DO), and he tells me to tell him if it happens again. I go back to dancing. But the whole night, whenever this kid makes eye contact with me, I am BURNING holes into his head. BURNING. Like, he must be blind now cuz of the FIRE I was shooting out of my eyes. Every time he got close to us, I moved so I was between him and Caity. I was. Not happy. And let me tell you why.

INTER-QUEER UNPROVOKED FIGHTING?!?! What is wrong with you??? She didn’t do anything to you. Also she did was WIN really hard in the club, like a fucking rokkstarr. And what?! If we’re fighting for equal queer rights, then we need to be united instead of shoving people for no reason at all. That is just… absolutely unacceptable. We’re all on the same side. And whatever rage you experienced during the day, Little Terdface… PLAN B is not the place to release it. Well, not with violence. And Caity Winning Kuehn is NOT the person to take your rage out on. I was/still am so furious. A) Don’t fuck with my friends. B) DON’T BE GAY AND PUSH AN ALLY. That is so fucked up. Do you even know what Caity does for social justice among queers?? Obviously not, otherwise you wouldn’t have pushed her. Intentionally. There is no way it could have been an accident. This made me more mad than if a straight person had pushed Caity. We have some huge goals we want to pursue. And we need to be one. One. I was so disappointed in this single …kid, and I hope that this is an isolated incident. So mad.

But. Here’s the last part. I realized last night how badly I want to be in love. So I was dancing, like I do. And this guy came up behind me and started dancing with me. And I didn’t even turn around to see what he looked like. Cuz I didn’t care. I just wanted a body against mine. I just wanted to feel that intimacy. When I’ve been hugging men lately, I’ve been squeezing them pretty tightly. Just to feel that intimacy. And to make-believe for those 3 seconds that I’m in this super awesome committed relationship. I have this awesome, cruel imagination where I can believe anything for like, 5 seconds. But if I just hug a guy and I close my eyes for like 5 seconds, I can pretend that I’m in love with some super awesome guy for like 5 seconds..

Thanks, Caity for being an awesome ally to the queer community. You fight for the underdogs, and I will truly miss you when I move. Oh, and thanks for helping me realize this: There is a clear line between wanting a boyfriend and needing a boyfriend. I don’t need a boyfriend. I just want one. And there’s no weakness in admitting that I want a boyfriend. Cuz I love who I am right now, and I could totally keep doing this. But being in love would be nice, too. Thanks for supporting me, no matter how slutty my life. 🙂

I have so much love for you, and I will choke the next bitch who shoves you.

Oh, and one last thing. I told Caity once that whenever I write a good blog, I have fewer people read it. And when I write one that is just kinda “blahblah”, a lot of people read it. And I’m like, “Hey! Read the other ones! I swear I’m a better writer! I promise!” But, like Caity reminded me, I don’t write my blog for other people. I write it for me nd because I think it’s worth reading. I think what I have to say is important. So. That’s enough.

Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard, their shadows searching in the night. Streetlights. People living just to find emotion, hiding somewhere in the night.”
~”Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder. As I’m gettin’ older, y’all, people gets colder. Most of us only care about money makin’. Selfishness got us followin’ our wrong direction. Wrong information always shown by the media. Negative images is the main criteria. Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria. Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema. Yo’, whatever happened to the values of humanity? Whatever happened to the fairness in equality? Instead of spreading love we’re spreading animosity. Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity. That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ under. That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin’ down. There’s no wonder why sometimes I’m feelin’ under. Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found. Now ask yourself, ‘Where is the love?‘”
~”Where Is The Love” by The Black Eyed Peas

I’ll give more love to make up for the people who can’t find nothin’ but hate.

JAMES.

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Comments on: "264. I Love Me Some Hot, Sweaty, Stanky, Skanky, QUEER Dancing / Where Is The Love?" (1)

  1. So it’s that random girl who started dancing by you and Caity towards the end of the night, hopefully you don’t think I’m stalking you, but I guess I kind of am?

    Anyway, I get so pissed when I purposely go to Plan B just to dance and hang out with my friends and avoid the guys who think it’s ok to just start hard-core grinding their junk all over me like I’m some kind of sweat rag. But they still do it! I mean, don’t these straight guys get it? The straight girls go to the gay club to purposely avoid you, what is your problem?!

    Plus, I love the atmosphere at Plan B, I love how no one gives a shit, everyone is just free and they do what they want. Except it’s not ok for the straight guys to be like that, they kind of ruin the atmosphere.

    Anyway, thanks for letting me dance with you guys so I could avoid the assholes that think it’s ok to shove their junk up my ass without asking. I mean there are the gay girls, who are there to dance with other girls, and the straight girls who are there to dance alone, deal with it and go away. That just really pisses me off.

    PS that terdface looked like he was fifteen and pissed about the world, time to lighten up and be nice!

    -Syd

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