Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

IT WAS SO HOT TODAY. But I loved it. I kept saying I couldn’t wait for it to be so hot that I felt like I was gonna fall over. I guess that was today. I am tap-dancing to “Judas” by Lady Gaga this Saturday at a dance recital. So the only place I can dance is outside on the deck. Cuz it’s the only surface that lets me spin and shit. But I could only be outside for like 10 minutes at a time cuz it was so hot. BUT. On the bright side, I only have like 60 seconds left to choreograph. And if all else fails, I can just repeat all the choreography I already did… TADA!

So anyway. OH. I took an hour-long nap today at like 7 in the eve. I had a convo with my dad like…
Dad: What are you gonna do?
Me: Sleep.
Dad: It’s 7:00 pm.
Me: I’M TIRED!
Dad:…ok, sorry.

So, yes I accidentally freaked out at my dad and took a nap and it felt AMAZING. The heat just sucks it all out of me. OH. Bt what I was saying was… all I wanted to do all day was to sit outside at some point. So I call Caity and find out she’s doing nothing but roasting in her oven “apartment”. So I pick her up and we go to Scott’s and chill on his roof (and I made a new friend named Jimmy… and then realized his middle name was a name that I was cursing to the gods. that was awkward but I apologized and he didn’t seem too peeved.) Anyway. I got what I wanted: I sat outside with friends and it was beautiful.

And at Scott’s, Caity and I saw this on the wall:
 Can you see it? It TOTALLY looks like a penis. It totally does. Why does this make me happy? Cuz I’m a 5-year-old. I have this perpetual problem of laughing in the bathroom. And then I think, ‘Don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh.’ And then I laugh cuz I’m trying NOT to laugh in the bathroom. But I canNOT help it. I don’t know why. I just think that situations become FUNNIER once you enter a bathroom. Maybe it’s the echoey space (it’s a word now, fuckers). Maybe it’s the veil of mystery that is the bathroom door; no one REALLY knows what you’re doing; are you peeing? are you pooping? are you snorting coke? I dunno what it is. But bathrooms ALWAYS make me laugh. In my opinion, everything becomes 1,000x funnier in a bathroom. …I don’t know how I got on this topic. But if I could take a picture of me laughing in the bathroom, I would. Cuz THAT makes me happy. Who the fuck laughs in the bathroom? This terdface.

I had two people today say really kind things to me about my blog. And I really, really appreciate it. It means a lot to me. I don’t know how else to say it. But those kind words warm my heart and really make me happy. So. Thanks again.

I did some purging today. I just wanna be better. I am better than before, but now I want to be better than now. I tend to want to circumvent the process and just.. be there, be better. But then I laugh at myself and remember that life ain’t like that. And if I can’t change it, then I better just accept it. So. I accept you, Torturous Lengthy Process.

I read something about the value of doing things at a slower pace.. and taking your time. That’s something I need to do. I tend to go too quickly cuz I get so excited and I want to be at that point of Madly In Love. So I just skip all the steps in the middle. I’m not gonna do that again. I’m gonna take my time. I won’t hold back, but I’ll take my time. And I know I’ll be wary. Unfortunately. But slower. Move slower, James.

Someone once told me that graduating college is really weird. They also told me I wouldn’t understand until I was there. Well. Now I’m here, and they’re right. Cuz I’m in limbo in so many ways. I’m not really there, and I’m not really here. And I’m not really planning on staying in Madison for very long. So I don’t really feel like planting my roots. But I’m here. So. And ya know, I’m not really healed and I’m not really broken. I’m in limbo. And I feel like the answer is… wait. Time will heal. Patience. Right? It’s not un-proactive to just… wait, right? Cuz what else am I supposed to do?

I’ve never been through this before. It’s never been like this before. This journey is totally new to me. I don’t know the answer. So. It’s ok to be scared. I don’t know what to do. So. I just wait. And that’s ok. 🙂

You’re not mine.

When I don’t know what to say to people in a tense situation, I just say, “I’m fucked up,” or, “I’m poison”. Whether I believe it or not. Sometimes I know when I’m gonna hurt someone so I just push them away to save them for the pain I know I’ll cause them. I think I’m being a good person. Sometimes I just can’t resist the beckoning of a really good guy, even if I know they’re not mine. And I cross lines I know I shouldn’t, because I just wanna be happy. But my actions have consequences. Wait, James. Wait.

Oh. This is something that has been on my mind lately. I’ve been experiencing aftershocks lately. Like, after an earthquake, ya know, there are little.. or “little” tremors that rock the area after the huge kaboom. Well. I’ve been having those. Like, I’ll randomly remember cuddling and when I get that memory I’m like, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” Like, thanks for nothing Bitch Memory. What do I do with that? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

Wait, right? Yeah, I’ll wait. Cuz I don’t know what else to do. I have exhausted my tactics. (I really have). So. I wait. For it to fade (more). Cuz I don’t want it anymore. I’ve gotten rid of all the material things that remind me of.. whatever. But I can’t purge my memory. And I don’t know if I even would if I could. Stupid, stupid heart. So. I guess I just sit with the aftershocks of my… kaboom.

Wait.

“If you ask me how I’m doing I would say I’m doing just fine. I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind. But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two and finally I’m forced to face the truth.”
~”Not Over You” by Gavin Degraw

(Sorta true. But doesn’t it seem like everyone else is in love except for me/you? Yeah, life is so funny like that. But you just gotta laugh it off. I do.)

LoveLoveLove despite all my OuchiesBooBoos
James

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