Alright. I’ve been procrastinating on my blog all night. There is a lot of unrest in me. I don’t really know how to say what I have to say. And I’ve been putting it off, hoping the words would come. But I’ll do my best. It may be a little more stream of consciousness than usual. Yes, tis possible.
I found this while cleaning my room. Once for my birthday I asked for a hot man or a boyfriend or something. Something that obvi doesn’t come in a box. So my sister (Emma) made me a book full of pictures of hot dudes (one of which is Bruce Willis, thank God). I found it while cleaning my room and it made me smile. Cuz I, ya know, forgot how a second how HOT Bruce Willis is.
Which gets me thinking about my birthday. So. I’ve been feeling a bit damaged lately. I’m not sure what it is, and I’ve heard many theories: the crazy weather, illness, hunger. I’m not really sure what it is. But I always get excited for my birthday. I always get super hyped up, cuz I think my birthday is gonna be this magical day that heals me (which goes to show that I’ve always felt a bit… broken, I guess, for lack of a better word). But I always build up my birthday in my head to be this awesome, life-changing, earth-shattering, heart-starting day. And it’s not fair. Cuz I put all this pressure on my family and friends to make me INSANELY happy for a day. And it’s so not fair. I just totally SET myself up for disappointment… cuz I always puff it up so much in my head. And I inevitably am doing that again. Naughty, James. But I’m finally especially… “hurt” this year, and so I’m subconsciously pulling for some miracle.
I was talking to Stacy today and I told her, “I know I’m OK. I think OK is the perfect word to describe how I’m feeling. But I wanna be better than OK.” And I do, I wanna be better. I want more. That’s what it boils down to. I see what I have, and I’m grateful. But I’m greedy for more. Cuz I know there’s more out there. I guess it would be helpful to put my finger on exactly what it is I’m missing. Hm. Well I guess Acceptance is a huge part of it. Acceptance for who I am, where I am. For example…
I get embarrassed that I want a boyfriend, but I just need to accept the want. I’m good at loving, so no wonder I want to love someone intimately like that. I also get embarrassed that I haven’t totally moved on yet. I’m embarrassed that I’m still haunted by memories… memories that I assume my Memory is TRYING to use to cheer me up… it needs to be retrained. But these memories that used to make me smile and used to warm my heart, now they make me wanna rip my hair out and scream. I want them to go away. But. I just need to accept that this is where I am, instead of fighting it. I pretend like it’s not on my mind. I pretend I’m 100% ok. And I think that just exacerbates the problem… cuz then, I have to deal with the sadness all by myself at the end of the day. Like… now. Here. With my blog. And I have friends who want to help. But my question is… is it possible to accept that I haven’t healed completely without wallowing in it? And the thing is.. I know people who have been through this… cuz IIIII did this to them. And I just don’t feel like it’s appropriate for me to ask, “Hey, do you still think about me?” or “Hey, when I shattered your heart, how did you deal with it?” or “Are you ok now?” But these are questions that I am DYING to know the answers to. I write this blog partly for the people who are heartbroken and want to know what comes next on the trail. So, naturally, I’m looking for those people who have been here before. I like answers.
Which brings me to…
I was having a good conversation with Stacy tonight about how I go NUTBALLS when I have unanswered questions. Like, questions I’ll never know the answers to. Like, when I was little I had this Power Rangers board game and then it just disappeared. And I wanna know… WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO? I’ll never know. Or the two digital cameras that I’ve lost… Where did those go??? Or, what the fuck happened to my relationship? Was it sudden or a long time coming? Was it ever good, or was I just playing the fool the entire time? Is _____ fucked up still or is it just me? I will I never know the answers to these questions. But I realized… it doesn’t fucking matter. The answers are irrelevant. Unfortunately, the breakup still haunts me a bit. The memories are the worst. But Stacy asked me, “Even if you knew the answers, would it make you feel better?” No. No. No, it wouldn’t. My heart is literally being a finicky infant: it cries and cries but it won’t tell me what it wants. And I feel like this new parent who just doesn’t know what to do; I dance for the infant heart, I sing for the infant heart, I feed it, I let it rest, I tell it I love it. But it’s somehow not enough. And I I just need to accept it. What’s done is done. And I’m, again, so proud of myself for turning this .. tragedy, I guess, into something beautiful. I’m so proud of myself. But these words are just words until I can accept myself for this… OK-but-bruised, heart-hungry, lonely, sensitive lover. That’s who I am. And there, I’ve said it…./typed it. It’s out in the world. So. No more denying it. Accept it.
Let go. Cuz if the answers don’t make you happier/healed, then what’s the point of knowing or asking?
I have listened to “I Will Follow You Into The Dark” by Death Cab For Cutie like, 10 times in the past two days. I have a deep connection to the song, and I listen to it a lot.. now that I rediscovered it.
One last thing. I saw Bridesmaids again today, and there’s this part where one character tells another something like… “Your problem is that you don’t know that you can hurt people”. I wholeheartedly believe this. I mean, I think that I am sometimes too aware of my potential to hurt others. Stacy said tonight that when you break someones heart, it breaks your own heart, too. And I agree. I have broken hearts before, and it killed me. I know it hurt them more but still. Even those situations haunt me. But. Whatever, I feel like a different person now and I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. But. Just be aware of the pain you cause. Cuz maybe you can prevent more pain in the future… instead of being this blazing trainwreck.
Also something that came up with Stacy… the thing that makes me feel most adult is the fact that I went through heartbreak. I fell like a crazy fool, and then I fell even harder when it ended. And knowing that I have been to the current depths of my emotions, that makes me feel like a grown-up. And maybe I am.
“I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness and a wandering eye and heaviness in my head…”
~”Don’t You Remember” by Adele
Love From My Stupidest/Relentless of Hearts