This sweater/blazer from H&M makes me happy. It’s like a blazer made out of sweater material. It’s super comfy. But I can’t afford it. But that’s ok. Trying on clothes is fun. Fashion is winning. Cute clothes are winning. Window-shopping is winning. And even though I don’t own this sweater, its existence still makes me happy. I LOVE CLOTHES. Walking into H&M makes me so happy. Yes, I cannot afford clothes right now. But I love just being around cute clothes and dreaming about owning them. Dreams are so powerful. And they have the power to make me happy. So. Dreaming=Winning.
Also! I biked to Madison today from Waunakee for the first time since I broke my collarbone. I was really proud of myself. I should’ve taken a picture of myself with my bike but I forgot. And I gave myself one goal: don’t fly off your bike. And I didn’t! SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT? I’d say so.
Also: you know you’re tired when… I was driving home the other night. And you know that flippy thing on your rear view mirror that you flip so the headlights of the car behind you don’t blind you? Ok. Well I knew I was tired cuz I flipped that thing cuz it was harder to fall asleep with headlights in my eyes… while I was driving.
Also. Here’s my dilemma: I don’t know how to. Ok. I really want a boyfriend. Ok. That’s fine. I can’t douse that desire. So I wanna be able to live with my wanting without being in pain. Ya know? I wanna acknowledge that desire without always looking for a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend… which makes me not want to give myself that. Ya know? I don’t want to just do what I always do. But I don’t wanna be in pain. So. What do I do? Keep on keepin’ on? I don’t know. If you have any suggestions, I’m totally open to it. Totally. I know this is uncharted territory. And I know that a boyfriend won’t solve the problem/dilemma, it’ll only create future problems. But I wanna be ok as a single gay man that isn’t constantly cruising. Maybe it’s just about accepting myself as such? Maybe it’s about accepting my here-and-now and embracing it instead of fighting it? I don’t want to deny my desires. So maybe it’s about accepting my wanting, embracing that deep painful desire for a boyfriend, acknowledging the struggle and just keep on living without one… instead of watching the clock tick till I move to New York. Accept my circumstances. Blegh. It just sounds…. inadequate. Help?
Song quote tomorrow. I wrote this all on my phone. Thanks, Droid.
Stop looking. Be here, James. Open up your eyes to what’s right in front of you. You wanna give away your love? Dish it out to the people IN your life. They’re more than worthy. You don’t need to wait for someone when you have so many beautiful someones currently in your life. Give it away, James. You want love? Then give all yours away. And respect yourself, mothafucka. You ain’t no two-cent hoe. So don’t treat yourself like one. You’re worthy of being loved. You’re so worthy. And you are loved. Just stop moping and open your fucking eyes.
Phew. That’s much better.
Things I’m grateful for:
1) Fans on hot days
2) Sitting in my underwear next to Caity without her minding
3) The ability to sing
4) A moldable weave
5) The courage to ride a bike again
6) An extremely compassionate father who tells me he loves me every single day.
8 ) Cute clothes
9) That feeling of absolute bliss when you lie down in a bed at the end of the day.
11) A sense of humor about the irony of my life/my imperfections
12) The ability the accept myself
13) The ability to overcome
16) Free drinks
OPEN YOUR EYES. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. CONCENTRATE ON NOW.
Life is always beautiful. Even when you hurt. I know.