Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

290. How Winners Feast

I just realized that I was eating a super awesome meal at this time of night… (11:27 pm). Let me show you:
 Let me walk you through the lineup: water bottle, cookies and cream milkshake from Cold Stone, acai berry tea, potato salad, salsa, Tostitos. Now you may be wondering… “Where is the spoon?” Well, my friend, who needs a spoon when you can scoop everything with a Tostito chip?? Yes, potato salad should be eaten with potato chips but sometimes you gotta improvise. I know I take a lot of pictures of food but tonight, I was most fascinated by the fact that I was eating/drinking these all at once. I couldn’t choose. And I didn’t have to. So. I did it all. WIN.

I made a new friend tonight at rehearsal! Her family just moved here but she goes to school in the south. And then I found out.. SHE LIVES IN WAUNAKEE. How motherfucking winning is that?! SO WINNING.

Let me tell you what my work schedule is this week:
A double tomorrow
A double Thursday
Friday night
A double on Saturday
Sunday morning

…I just really need to make money. So I picked up more shifts. If I ever want to move to New York, I really need to kick up my game. So. Push.

OH. Today I worked out without a gym! I did exercises in my room with my own body weight. OH. AND OH MY GOD. I CLEANED MY FREAKIN’ ROOM! I should’ve taken a picture of that. It’s clean!! And I washed my sheets and blankets and I put on fresh sheets! So. I’m. Um. REALLY excited.

I’ve been keeping myself really busy lately. I kind of like it.

But now. I’m going to bed early, because my throat hurts like a MO.FO. Like. Real bad. And I don’t have time for sickness. Nor the patience for it.

No life-altering self-discoveries today. Just a beautiful day. “Just”. I CLEANED MY ROOM!!! I’m so happy and proud of myself! It usually takes me forever cuz I fuckin’ HATE cleaning more than my life. Like. Hate it. It’s wretched. I hate it the same way I hate writing huge papers. Like THAT much. But I did it! I just did it! And I can see the floor. And my room is organized! Gah, I’m so giddy. Because of a clean room. 🙂

The other day I was walking past this field with Jian Li. It was nighttime and in this field, there were SO MANY fireflies. And she said something like, “Imagine seeing these for the first time and not knowing what they are. It’s like a twinkling night sky. No wonder people believed in fairies.” And then I looked at the field and imagined seeing it for the first time, and I actually believed (for a second) that these twinkling lights were fairies.

So. Imagine I’m a child. And I just cleaned my room all on my own for the first time without anyone telling me to. Look what I did all on my own! And why can’t a clean room make me happy? When you get down to it, I made myself do something I hate because I knew I’d be pleased afterward. And I have such a sense of accomplishment. Fuck, I just graduated college. I completed like 16 years of schooling. And I’m jumping up and down over my clean room. I learned that in college. Happiness is a sense of accomplishment or a sense of conquering an obstacle. I CONQUERED MY ROOM AND I AM OVERJOYED.

Who says you can’t make your own happy?

“Oh, it was easier before I loved. Before this heart was turned to stone. Before this blood was stirred and blood was spilled. No one was ever meant to be alone.”
~”Why Do The Men Stray” by Gavin Degraw

May have been easier. But something was missing. I found it: I love me.


Oh, and Emma: I’m really glad you’re home. We all are.


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