I was driving today after work. And I was turning and then I had shit all over my hand. And then I realized, I got banana on my steering wheel:
Immediately I thought, ‘OH MY GOD, THERE’S RANCH DRESSING ON MY STEERING WHEEL!’ And then I thought, ‘Where the f would I get ranch dressing from?’ And THEN, I realized that earlier when I turned too quickly and my banana broke in half, half of it had hit my steering wheel and left this mushy, cummy mess. And then I started laughing while I was driving and then I started fishing for my camera but then I feared for my life so then I stopped… and waiting til I was parked to photograph this masterpiece.
So I read more of Eat, Pray, Love today. And she talks about how meditating is really difficult for her because her mind wanders and she keeps thinking about the same fucking topic over and over again. And then she gets really mad at herself for ruminating over the same bullshit repeatedly. And then she finally says to herself that she won’t judge herself anymore. And I guess that’s what it means to be able to sit with things. Emotions. Whatevs. To not judge myself while I think about the same stupid shit over and over again. And to be kind and compassionate with myself. “Give it another 6 months.” Cuz I get so mad at myself for feeling the same shit… for example, screaming at a facebook post and closing out of it. Like, WHEN IS THAT GOING TO GO AWAY?!?! But no. Instead, try: it’s ok. Feel however you want to feel. It’s not gonna be like this forever. But right now it is. And that’s ok. So. Scream at the facebook all you want. “The” facebook. God, am I 40? Be patient, James.
Also, I started… um… Ok. So I had like, boy troubles today. And I’m SINGLE. So what the f?!?! But I started like, WAITING by my phone for text messages. I was trying to read Eat, Pray, Love but all I could do what Pant, Fret, Worry. So. Not winning. So I got so anxious that I just turned my phone off. Cuz I couldn’t read. I just kept waiting for my phone to vibrate. So I said, “F you, phone,” and I turned it off. And then I could read in peace. But like, I don’t want that. I don’t want to be nervous and anxious over boys. I don’t want that in my life. So anyway, it didn’t turn out, whatever it was. But I took that as a sign that I should just…not. I should just keep on doing my thing. Solo James. Cuz I don’t want to lose sleep over boys. I’m so over that. I dont’ want to be anxious. And I don’t have to be. So. There.
I’ve started saying grace before I eat. I know it’s usually associated with religion. But I’m just doing it as a Me thing. Today, I was sitting on the couch, with my phone turned off and my heart was aching a bit. Like, all over again. Over… a stupid situation. So I made myself a bowl of greek yogurt with granola and blueberries. Then I sat back down and started listing aloud things I was grateful for: “Yogurt, blueberries, granola, awesome friends, my big heart, my courage, the comfy couch, the ability to feel”. And then I was sitting there crying. But I am ok. I just reminded myself how awesome my life is, boys or no boys. So. I’ve started saying grace before I eat. Cuz I think it’ll be really good for me to remind myself 3-9 times a day how lucky I am, just the way I am.
It’s ok to be anxious, James. It’s ok to have an achy heart. And it’s totally ok to be brave and put yourself out on a limb. It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to be sad. And I think it’s totally ok to fall apart. You’re far from falling apart, but regardless. But it’s ok to think about all the things you think about: boys… dating… not dating… more than dating. It’s ok. It’s totally fine. Just don’t forget to be where you are. Cuz you don’t have anything else.
Other things I’m grateful for: Raisin Bran Crunch, Cocoa Pebbles, “Your Love Is My Drug” by Ke$ha
“And baby when it’s love if it’s not rough it isn’t fun.”
~”Poker Face” by Lady Gaga