Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Stacy bought lottery tickets tonight. Here was one of the options:

Well, I’m not so sure if this is a raffle ticket or my nickname: Easy Winner.

Tomorrow is my fourth double in a row. I.can.do.this.

Today I found out that a friend of mine from Point died. I read her obit. article and found out that the car she was in was hit by a drunk driver. Theresa Kroes. We weren’t extremely close, but every time I saw her we would say hi and talk about what was going on in our lives. When she first introduced herself to me I thought she said her name was “Triselle”. So. That’s what I called her. And though she doesn’t physically walk this earth anymore, I know she’s still here somewhere, smiling and adding happiness to the world. And I’ll say a prayer to whoever/whatever for her and her family. But I will carry your joy and optimism in my heart.

So. I love you. You. I love you.

Today I was talking to a friend, and the whole time I kept thinking, ‘God, I hope I’m saying the right thing. What’s the right way to respond? How’s the right way to feel? Should I always agree? Is that actually how I feel?’ And then I just realized that I’m always looking for the right way. The right answer. And then I just thought, ‘What if I feel the right way already? What if exactly the way I am is right? Or just totally fine. What if me is enough?’ And I laughed, realizing that I’ve had this realization many times before. And then I took a deep breath and continued with my life.

Every day when I think about my birthday coming up, I think about how grateful I am for my life, my family and my friends. And then I cry. Usually in my car. Alone. And then I take a deep breath and I smile.

“Hey. Over there. Please forgive me if I’m coming on too strong. Hate to stare, but you’re winning. And they’re playing my favorite song.”
~”Hold It Against Me” by Britney Spears

“It’s time to lose your mind and let the crazy out. Tonight we’re taking names cuz we don’t mess around. This place about to blow.”
~”Blow” by Ke$ha

“Give me just one more second and I’ll be alright. Surely one more moment couldn’t break my heart. Give me til tomorrow and I’ll be okay.”
~”Gotta Get Thru This” by Daniel Bedingfield

Can’t wait to dance for my birthday.

Something’s missing…

More prayers.

(when I talk about praying, I know it has a specific connotation to Christianity. But I’m just praying to whoever the fuck wants to listen. And I know someone is listening.)

Just gotta figure out what it is I want the most….

I love you.

James.

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