Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

310. $4,000 To Go

Today I deposited money in the bank annnnnnnnd I BROKE $1,000:

BY $48!!!

Yeah, I’m still $4,000 away from my goal. But hey, I did all this in one summer! So. I think by the end of this summer, I can at least have $2,000. And all it takes is REAL hard work and a frugal attitude. OH. And also, my daddy filled my gas tank all the way today. THANK GOD. Cuz gas is expensive as F and whenever I “fill” my gas tank, I only put in like $20. Any amount more than that just hurts my bank account too much. So THANK GOD FOR KIND, KIND DADDIES!

I just had a 2+ hour long convo with Kelley on the phone and it was super refreshing. For the past three days, I have felt like something’s missing. I have more time to think this week cuz I don’t have as many shifts as I normally do. So I have more free time. Usually, I work all day, have rehearsal at night, come home, snack, blog, pass out, start all over the next day. But not this week. I have time to like, think, and shit. So I talked to Kelley about it. And she asked if maybe it was the want of a relationship. And I said I didn’t think so. I said maybe it was a lack of a strong spiritual connection. But I think it’s just lack of connection in general. Like, I get really anxious when I’m on my computer. And when I’m facebook creeping on my phone. Or checking my email. Or anything technology related, I just get super frustrated. Reading books makes me happy. ish. And I feel like I’m not really connecting with the people around me, and I feel like it’s my fault. And it manifests itself with this sinking feeling in my body, specifically in my stomach and my chest. I feel a weight in my chest and a craving in my stomach (but I’m not hungry, trust me, I know cuz I’ve been eating like a motherfucker). Mostly, it feels like I’m missing a huge chunk of myself. And I feel like I’m floating and like I’m not really doing¬†anything. Nothing important.

I’ve identified the problem. I just don’t know what to do about it.

Sometimes, I just need someone to say it’s gonna be ok. I don’t need much. I don’t need some deep, philosophical insight. I just need a, “Hey, you’re ok,” or “It’s gonna be ok,” or “I love you,” or “It’ll pass,” or a laugh.

I just think it’s time to go. Simple as that.

“Not talking about a year, no, not three or four. I don’t want that kind of forever anymore. Forever always seems to be around when it begins. But forever never seems to be around when it ends. So give me your forever.”
~”Forever” by Ben Harper

James.

1 plus 0 still equals 1.0 (and nothing less)

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Comments on: "310. $4,000 To Go" (1)

  1. It will be ok you lovely person!

    I have that same feeling when I sit around, like I’m wasting time or something. Last weekend I filled that with manual labor. It actually worked and I felt so much better, so if you wanna give that a try we’re staining our deck this weekend if you want to join…hahahaha.

    Or we could hang out without hard work. Either way.

    Lurve!

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