Today I deposited money in the bank annnnnnnnd I BROKE $1,000:
Yeah, I’m still $4,000 away from my goal. But hey, I did all this in one summer! So. I think by the end of this summer, I can at least have $2,000. And all it takes is REAL hard work and a frugal attitude. OH. And also, my daddy filled my gas tank all the way today. THANK GOD. Cuz gas is expensive as F and whenever I “fill” my gas tank, I only put in like $20. Any amount more than that just hurts my bank account too much. So THANK GOD FOR KIND, KIND DADDIES!
I just had a 2+ hour long convo with Kelley on the phone and it was super refreshing. For the past three days, I have felt like something’s missing. I have more time to think this week cuz I don’t have as many shifts as I normally do. So I have more free time. Usually, I work all day, have rehearsal at night, come home, snack, blog, pass out, start all over the next day. But not this week. I have time to like, think, and shit. So I talked to Kelley about it. And she asked if maybe it was the want of a relationship. And I said I didn’t think so. I said maybe it was a lack of a strong spiritual connection. But I think it’s just lack of connection in general. Like, I get really anxious when I’m on my computer. And when I’m facebook creeping on my phone. Or checking my email. Or anything technology related, I just get super frustrated. Reading books makes me happy. ish. And I feel like I’m not really connecting with the people around me, and I feel like it’s my fault. And it manifests itself with this sinking feeling in my body, specifically in my stomach and my chest. I feel a weight in my chest and a craving in my stomach (but I’m not hungry, trust me, I know cuz I’ve been eating like a motherfucker). Mostly, it feels like I’m missing a huge chunk of myself. And I feel like I’m floating and like I’m not really doing anything. Nothing important.
I’ve identified the problem. I just don’t know what to do about it.
Sometimes, I just need someone to say it’s gonna be ok. I don’t need much. I don’t need some deep, philosophical insight. I just need a, “Hey, you’re ok,” or “It’s gonna be ok,” or “I love you,” or “It’ll pass,” or a laugh.
I just think it’s time to go. Simple as that.
“Not talking about a year, no, not three or four. I don’t want that kind of forever anymore. Forever always seems to be around when it begins. But forever never seems to be around when it ends. So give me your forever.”
~”Forever” by Ben Harper
1 plus 0 still equals 1.0 (and nothing less)