Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

312. Skyscraper

I LOVE Demi Lovato. Her new single came out and I.LOVE.IT:

I love how raw her voice is. I think it works with the song perfectly. And so many people hate on her and she just keeps on keepin’ on. But she’s fierce. She can riff like a mothafucka, and she’s pretty good live, too (I’ve crept on YouTube). And I think this song is really brave to put out there after she publicly fell apart. I say, GO DEMI. Like, if she were my friend, I would be like CRYING proud. But since I just respect her from afar, I will just be “normal” proud.

Headache is better. Now I just feel really tired all the time. The person standing on my face lost a few pounds so that’s pretty winning.

For some reason, I just feel kinda sad lately. Of course, I have a million reasons to account for this random sadness:
1) Not being able to work out for 2 weeks
2) Sickness
3) Lack of sleep

But there’s still this random empty feeling. Hrmph. Journal? I guess.

I choose to sit with my emotions instead of fighting them. It’s not forever.

I was talking to Stacy about marriage. And I was saying that I used to really want to be married. But now? I’m not so sure. I just want to live happily ever after.

I read this really good play the other day: Wonder of the World by David Lindsay-Abaire. My first play of his. I know, not even Rabbit Hole. I’m a silly head. So. There’s this really good section that I connected with. Allow me to share it with you right now:

Ok. So Cass discovers her husband had been keeping a secret from her and she says:

“All those years, while I was folding our clothes, he was living this strange secret life, totally separate from me. And that night I thought, ‘Who is this sleeping next tome? What else has he not told me? What else is churning inside him?’ He made me feel so empty. Because I had no secrets. I had nothing extra inside me. I had never done anything without considering him.”

…This is why I read plays: for the beautiful insight of the human condition. And I’m convinced that I can make sense of my nonsense life. And when I think I’ve figured it all out, an articulate playwright clarifies my feelings to me. That’s what I love about theatre: the fragility of the characters. And the vulnerability. I think it’s so beautiful, because they are opening up to us. Like, I know that these are questions they have struggled with. And it’s super brave to write something like this. He tore that burning question out of his heart and scorched the page with it. And it leaves me thinking, “Is that what happened to me?”

Haha. Haven’t thought about You lately. 🙂 Thought I had forgotten, eh? Nah. Forgetting is not something I do. But. I have something to say:

I hope you’re happy. I really wish you no ill will. This blog used to be about you, but it wasn’t; it’s always been about me. But I do, I really hope you’re well. If you were sad, that would not make me any happier. I hope you find exactly what you’re looking for, and I hope you find fulfillment. Sometimes I bad talk you out of habit, but I don’t mean any of it anymore. I wish nothing for you but a happy life. I am grateful for your impact in my life. You opened up my eyes to many things, and you influenced me finding myself again. Sorry it didn’t work, but it never was meant to. (I know you’re sorry, too. So. Don’t worry.)

I meant it when I said Just Love. No exceptions. I choose not to hold onto any negative feelings. And it feels nice. “Nice”. I choose to wish you well. So. Be well.

“It’s a long way down, but I am closer to the clouds up here.”
~”Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato

Still sad. But I harbor no hate. So that’s reassuring. And I’m still grateful.

1+0=James=Winning=1 full person.

Love.

JAMES.

(what am I looking for? More clarity in my journey, please. [i already know these answers])

I wonder if people understand me when I get all vague? That would be a dream come true.

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