I went and saw a movie today! Yes, I spent money. ON A MOVIE. Which is, ya know, overpriced. But nevertheless I went. By the way, I saw Midnight in Paris. Woody Allen movie! Yay! I liked it. Not my favorite thing, but I liked it. So anyway, I got there at noon. There were people already in line for the midnight showing of Harry Potter:
So prepared! And they were nice enough to let me take a picture of them! So friendly!!! And they posed. And they had food, sun screen, umbrellas, a cooler…. I mean… I don’t know where they put all that shit when it actually was time to see the movie. Like… the lawn chairs and shit? I really don’t know. But look at them! They’re passionate! I’d like to think I have the same kind of passion about… things.
So it was another weirdish sad day. After the movie with Stacy, I came home and talked to my lil sissie Emma. I said I was sad and I didn’t know why. Then we started talking about what might be bothering me. She suggested a bunch of things to be helpful. One of the suggestions was, “Find a boy,” and I immediately was like, “EW, NO. No. Never.” Yeah, we’ll get back to that. But anyway, I broke down and started crying. And I don’t know why. I really don’t. I just feel… unsatisfied with myself, my life. I don’t know.
And back to the boyfriend thing. Today I thought about how HARD it would be to be in a relationship. Like. Oh God. Looking presentable all the time? Always smelling good? Opening up my heart? Trying to be charming? Making sacrifices? GOD. NO THANKS. I mean, maybe I’m lonely? Oh God, would I have to stop being weird? I just don’t want to do that all again. Like, sleeping in someone else’s bed?? That means I have to be cute when I sleep, too. And I feel like sleeping alone is awesome cuz it’s like, “Oh thank god, I can look disgusting as fuck!” But like, I’d have to NOT drool. And pray to GOD I don’t snore. And like, what if they wanna cuddle??? Oh fuck. Obviously, dating isn’t in the cards for me right now. And if it were, I would say, “You’ve got the wrong deck!” It just seems like a lot of work. Today when I was talking about making sacrifices again, Stacy said something like, “Well if it’s right, you won’t have to make as many sacrifices.” Good. Cuz like. I want someone who doesn’t mind walking in the rain. And someone who lets me be disgusting when I sleep. And someone who doesn’t mind when I unplug unused appliances. And someone who doesn’t try to get in a shower with me; (this shower ain’t big enough for the two of us… literally, get out). And someone who won’t make me talk so much. And someone who’ll see through my half-assed bullshit. And someone who wants to have poor-girl-budget fun with me. And lay outside and look at the stars, despite hungry mosquitoes.
Preferably, this is all the same person.
“But who will I take care of?”
oh. and especially someone who can crack my code. I am a puzzlement cuz I think puzzles are fun. Yeah, I can be straightforward and tell you exactly where my faults lie. But I want someone who will make the effort to figure me out. Or someone who can naturally crack the code.
Am I asking too much? Emma thinks I have really high standards. And all my friends say, “That’s not a bad thing.” But that’s what friends say. But no. No. I don’t want to settle. And I never will.
I want someone to stand still with me.
I’m a mess, aren’t I?
And it manifests itself in my blog’s “organization” tonight.
Emma thinks I think too much. I think she’s right. But I don’t wanna think about it too much.
“And she fights for her life as she puts on her coat. And she fights for her life on the train. And she looks at the rain as it pours. And she fights for her life as she goes in a store, with a thought she has caught by a thread. She pays for the bread and she goes. And nobody knows.”
~”Her Morning Elegance” by Oren Lavie
You’re right; never forget. Be grateful for how far you’ve come. And never forget how far you’ve come. Heartbreak is always so NOT the same story. The recovery process is always different. There’s no set timeline. There’s basic landmarks. But it’s never the same.
Single life is like this mostly unexplored territory. Prolonged single life, I mean to say.
Still kinda lost though. But there’s no where better to be than right here. I believe that. Now I just need to inject that statement into my heart.
Enough ramble bambles.
(I make myself say, “I love you” even though those three words scare me more than death)
what the f am i looking for?