Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

318. The Power To See

So I’m looking for new glasses. My prescription has changed, and I’ve had my current glasses for like, 5 or 6 years. Which is longer than my siblings! Well, to be fair, their eyes got worse and their glasses broke and stuff. BUT. The REALLY cool part is this. Ok. So I was trying on different lenses. And it came down to two pairs: a Burberry and a D&G. And I liked the D&G better. And they ended up being CHEAPER. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?!?! For once, the cooler pair was cheaper. This is me trying to pose with the glasses:

In my humble opinion, I look like a douchebaglet. But I really like the glasses. Pretend the picture is moreso about the glasses and not my goofy smile… or my upstaging weave. Damn weave. 🙂 CHEAPER. The winning glasses were cheaper.

So. For like the frames and then lenses that are super awesome, like scratch-resistant and glare-resistant… it’s like $352… and that’s a sale. I asked her to put them on hold for me, cuz I wanted to see how much money I made this weekend. If I get lucky like last weekend, I might make that money this weekend! BIG MONEY, NO WHAMMIES.

I realized today that someone I don’t talk to as often as I would like is a REALLY good friend of mine. This person knows me so well, remembers stories I tell them, keeps updated on my life, reads my blog daily, creeps on my facebook, keeps in contact. And we don’t hang out nearly as much as we used to. Obviously. If you know this is you, I love you.

I really want to be able to plan my future, but it’s gonna turn out the way it’s supposed to be. And my choices are a bit insignificant. Blind faith, James.

OH. UM. Ok. So if I could’ve taken a picture of this today, I would have: my doctor’s appt.

So first. The nurse takes me back. She asks me to step on a scale. I told her, “Skinny. Just write that down.” She laughed. She was sweet to laugh at my joke.

Then the doctor. Super nice. Asked me the same question twice in a row (oh fyi, I have low platelets. You’re supposed to have between 150 thousand and 400 thousand… I have 124 thousand and they’ve been low like this for 2 years. Not terrible but still. Oh. And platelets are in your blood.  When you get a cut, the platelets gather to clot up your wound so you stop bleeding. But mine aren’t THAT low. They’d have to be as low as 30 thousand to be worried). So this is how this went:
Doctor: Have you felt any swollen glands or lymph nodes that you’re aware of?
Me: No, I don’t think so.
Doctor:  Great. Have you felt any swollen glands or lymph nodes anywhere that you’re aware of?
Me:… No, I don’t think so.

He didn’t notice that he asked the same question twice in a row so I just played it off. Then he starts feeling my body looking for lymph nodes. We start talking about The Lube while I’m lying on the table. And then he sticks his hands down my pants without warning:

Doctor: So what kind of food do they have?
Me: Well they’re known for their— ……………

…..

Well jeez. You think he’d take me on a date first. Or you know, warn me that he was just gonna go to third base while making small talk. I haven’t been on a date for a while so maybe the rules have changed since last time. But um… usually you get to know me before you just go to town. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned.

THEN. I get blood drawn. Best part.

Nurse: Hey my name is Adam. I’ll probably be seeing a lot of you. It’s always either me or Ben.
Me: Ok, cool. I’m James.
Nurse: Ok, ready? 1, 2, 3.
Me:… Hey that wasn’t so bad.
Nurse: Yeah, that didn’t hurt me at all.
Me: Oh well I’m glad.  The last time I got this done the nurse was afraid I was gonna faint.
Nurse: Ah, you’re sitting in a chair so I’m not too concerned if you faint. You don’t like needles?
Me: Nah, I just hate the feeling.
Nurse: Me, too. I have a thing about needles.
Me: So you prefer to inflict pain on others?
Nurse: Exactly. Well you’re all set.
Me: Ok thanks.

…My sister, Emma, is convinced he was flirting with me. I just think he was super charming. I mean, isn’t his job to distract you from the fact that he’s sucking blood from your arm to see if there’s anything wrong with you? Yeah. It is. And. For some reason, it’s just way beyond my realm of imagination to believe that someone would flirt with me. Someone so charming. It doesn’t really matter whether he was flirting with me or not. I really don’t think he was. But regardless, it’s the fact that I can’t fathom being flirted with. I don’t have a confidence problem. I’ll be the first person to say that I think I’m pretty. You know what, I really don’t know what it is. I just can’t imagine someone charming, attractive, smart and good-looking to hit on me. I think I’m worthy. I just literally can’t picture it. I can’t imagine how I’d feel… well, I imagine I’d be terrified and clueless, as if someone asked me to point to the carburetor.

Oh. You know what. I’m not gonna overcomplicate it. Here goes:

It’s been a while. And I’m not saying I want anything to happen. It’s just… sometimes I do. But a lot of times, I don’t. And it’s not about wanting to figure my shit out or taking Me time. I just… don’t want to. Am I terrified? Oh, fuck yes. But aren’t people in relationships terrified, too? So if it doesn’t go away, then it’s not really relevant.

I don’t want to be lied to. Again. And I don’t want to make a fool of myself. Again. And most of all, I really don’t wanna lose myself. AGAIN. Cuz if that had kept going, I’m not sure I ever would have gotten back here. But that doesn’t really matter cuz it never was going to last cuz THIS is where I’m supposed to be.

Fine, I’m a scaredy-cat. And educated scaredy-cat who knows better. I received An Education. But it would be silly to think I’m done learning.

Well, I guess. I’m grateful that I don’t have an earth-shattering guy to make me question myself and yaddah-yaddah-yaddah. An opporunity hasn’t presented itself that would warrant true fear/freak-out times. So. I’m grateful for lack of opportunity, for once. It’s safer.

And I’m really bad at saying, “No”.

Gratitude for lack of men. Who’da thunk? I may be one of the only people THANKFUL for an absence of suitors. But holy shit am I grateful.

“Words are, in my not so humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic, capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it.”

 ~Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

For me, it goes beyond words. I do a lot of communicating with what I don’t say. And I read a lot of communicating off of what people don’t say.

It’s really important to listen. I know.

Love.

JAMES.

(I have the ability to speak, but I think the ability to truly listen is far more valuable.)

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Comments on: "318. The Power To See" (1)

  1. Well hello there sir, I like your spectacles. I think yours and mine should get together and have a party, they look similar.

    Ok, so seriously, we must hang out. I might come to the Lube and DEMAND you to be my waitron. And then you’d have to talk to me. Muahhahahaha.

    I’m glad you’re not Mr. No-platelets, keep recovering!

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