Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

319. Play My Song

So I went out tonight for Erica’s 21st birthday. We went to the Karaoke Kid, and I was searching for a song to sing. It didn’t take me long to find the one:

Do you see what I see? Yeah. “Jizzle”. My favorite song. If I ever write a song, I would imagine it would have one of the following titles:
1) Vajizzy-Jazzy
2)Vajazzled
3) Jizzle

So. I guess it’s between the first two options. I think the 2nd has a lot of room for creativity. And a lot of artistry: the gay male’s perspective on the phenomenon of vajazzling. Oooo. I smell Grammy. I’m on it.

I had a super good time tonight. Like I said, went out for Erica’s bday. And I LOVE hanging out with my friends all in one spot. And I don’t realize how much I love certain people until I see them again.

I’m starting to realize the extreme importance of listening. The more I blog and the more I talk, the more I realize how crucial it is to listen. Almost more important than talking. Maybe it is? But for example: I hang out with someone and I hear my heart ache because I miss them. My heart misses them. And I act accordingly. And then I speak. But the listening comes first, then the action. Somedays my heart yearns for a Somebody. So I act accordingly: I call a friend, I watch Friends, etc. But sometimes, I gotta shut the fuck up and listen to what’s going on, inside me and around me.

On my way home, I almost hit a raccoon. It just stopped in the middle of the road and stared at my headlights, wide-eyed and terrified. So I did what any normal person did: I shrieked like a lady and I swerved. As I was driving away, I looked in my rear-view mirror to make sure I didn’t kill it. I didn’t. I saw it run off the road. And I’m just REALLY grateful that I didn’t kill that raccoon. Thank you for running away. Or. Ok. Thank you, Circumstances, for letting me not hit that raccoon.

Ya know what’s kind of weird? Every person you meet is someone’s family. Like. I was at the doctor the other day, and as my doctor was talking to me, all I could think was, ‘This is someone’s dad. Or someone’s brother. Someone’s son. Someone’s best friend.’ I highly suggest just trying it. Cuz it makes everyone seem much more human. These people come from families. They have people who love them and vice versa.

Bedtime anxiety. I bet if I could stick to a steady meditation routine, I would do away with a lot of my bedtime anxiety. But me and schedules… we don’t mesh well.

I am always open to suggestions, whether they be about schedules or anxiety. Just don’t tell me to take pills, cuz I won’t.

Companionship: not to be underestimated. We’re not meant to live all by ourselves, totally isolated. But the catch: if you don’t love yourself, you’re always gonna feel totally alone. Cuz something’s missing: the self-love. But once you have that, friends are easy to make. Cuz if you have love for yourself, that’s attractive. And people want to be around that. That positivity. That love.

Be friendly.

Oh, and don’t forget to jizzle.

OH. This is what I have been meaning to say. So. Dreams are about things that aren’t real. Right now, or ever. And sometimes, I REALLY wish I could ask people certain questions. But I can’t, cuz it would ruin our relationship. And I don’t want to do that. Cuz words are dangerous motherfuckers. Like fuckin’ TNT. But I can’t help but want to ask things like, “Do you ever think about me?”

But I can’t. Cuz that would change everything. It would reveal that I still think about them. And it would change the terms of our friendship, and we probably wouldn’t be able to be friends anymore. And even if nothing bad happened after the question was asked, the answer would definitely change things. Cuz what if the answer was, “Yes”. Then I really could’ve changed everything. And what if I don’t want everything to change? But you can’t just ask whatever you want. Because like most things, a question isn’t just one thing. It’s not just a question. It has more weight, more meanings.

So. I’m left wondering.

‘Do you ever think about me?’ And not in the fuckin’ cutesie platonic way. Like, really think about me.

🙂 I love words. And while this is an enigma, I still can laugh at the humor of the situation. And it’s not really a problem. It’s just a mystery. And that’s life. But that’s what dreams are for. I get the answer I want:

Yes.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it! Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
~Howard Thurman
Always Love.
JAMES.
(Rarely do the things I say have a single meaning. My title, for example. Or, my titles.)
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