324. My (Physical) Pursuit of Happiness

So today I finally finalized my set list for my Help James Follow His Dreams benefit. AND. I made the Facebook invite. Sometimes I feel like I don’t accomplish anything in a day, just because I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to. But I’m always overly ambitious with my cleaning/to-do list plans. And if I conquered my whole to-do list, I would have done nothing but clean/plan all day and then I would’ve been sad that I wasted my day and had 0 amounts of fun. So. It’s a lose-lose situation (but it ends with winning cuz winners always win). Anyway. My set list:

BUT AHA! I must cover it so you don’t see what I’m doing so it’ll be a surprise! If you know it all, then it’s not a surprise. Here’s what I will say: it’s gonna be fun. And really true to myself. I’m gonna sing songs that mean a lot to me, and I’m gonna revisit some stuff that meant/means a lot to me. But it’ll all be really personal. And you’ll get to know me better… but if you read my blog, chances are you know me pretty well.

Once I said, “I am my blog,” and someone said, “Um, I’m not sure if I believe that.” Oh. Well why not?

Here’s one thing I’ll tell you about my benefit: I’m gonna be doing my tap solo that I choreographed to “Judas” by Lady Gaga. Should I invite her? Probs.

I’m actually getting really excited for my benefit. I’m not charging admission cuz then I’d have to pay royalties and blah blah blah. But I’m accepting donations! Obvi. Cuz the whole point is to help me raise money to move to NYC and follow my dreams.  This is the pursuit of happiness, and I hope you join me.

I was in a bit of a sour mood tonight, and I’m not sure what’s going on with me. I sat down in the bathroom and cried. I feel like it’s a prime place for emotional outpourings. It’s a place of privacy where you can do whatever the f you want. So. I didn’t poop, but I did cry. And then I pulled myself together and went downstairs cuz I knew Emma and her friends were baking.

But legitimately, I still am unsure of what was wrong. Here’s the thing. I make myself extremely busy. I have rehearsal every night from 6:00-10:00. And on the weekends, I work doubles so I end up working the entire day. And I usually don’t want to go out after work cuz I know that I have to get up and do it all over again the next day. And then come Sunday night after rehearsal, I’m just exhausted from moving so fast over the weekend. So I go home, and I sleep in. My friends live in / spend the majority of their time in Madison. At the end of the work day, I don’t want to drive to Madison and then drive all the way back to Waunakee. I just want to go home. And my friends are free on the weekends… but I’m not. So. I guess I do know what’s wrong. When I finally stop moving, I feel empty. And I’m lonely. Yep. Shoop, there it is. And I work myself to the bone. So on my days off, all I do is sit. Literally, I sit on my ass and I watch TV cuz I have neither the energy nor the motivation to do anything else. I burn myself out. And then I rest up just to burn myself out all over again.

Huh. The problem, while I’d like to believe is unusually complex, is simple. Loneliness. I feel lonely. And when I hang out with people I love, I still feel lonely. I’m lonely bones (I haven’t read that book so).

I’m lonely. There. I said it. Yes, the single man is lonely. I’m sure you’re not surprised. And if you tell me, “Get a boyfriend,” I’m gonna say, “Go back to Day 1, read til now, then get back to me.”

What am I waiting for?

The other day, I was talking to my mom about how serving is so painful on my body, so taxing. And I said, “Waiting is just so hard on your body.” And I meant “waiting tables”. But. Now. I’m not so sure.

I guess it’s time to pray.

Today I got mad at myself for being crabby/unhappy. Then I forgave myself and said, “You can be whatever you are.” And that’s when I cried in the bathroom.

Sometimes I just sit in the bathroom. When I need to get away, I just sit in the bathroom. Sometimes doing nothing. Just sit. It’s a great way to escape. And no one can ask you, “Why were you in the bathroom so long?” Cuz then they’re asking, “What’s wrong with your bowels?” And that’s just impolite. It’s really the perfect place to go if you want people to leave you alone. They’ll be concerned about your health but hey, you’ll have had two extra minutes to yourself. Or however many minutes you want to spend fake-crapping.

“And if I’m lonely, doesn’t matter. I think there’s worse than being lonely. There’s people who freeze while they wait on their knees and they don’t know for what and they’ve just been forgotten. I ain’t waitin’ no more. You just wait forever if you can’t say what for.”
~”I Hate The Bus” from Caroline, or Change (book and lyrics by Tony Kushner, music by Jeanine Tesori)

Favorite musical ever.

LOVE.

JAMES.