Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

330. Montage Of My Life

I went to Chuck E Cheese tonight cuz my little cousin was in town. Then I saw this on the wall, and I was convinced that this montage was mounted specially for me:

For the seeing-impaired, this is what the pictures say, in order from left to right:
Smiles. Celebration. Friends. Winning.

WELL, I’LL SAY!

I’m so glad to be able to sleep in tomorrow. I made some good money this weekend. Thank God. All towards NY.

I saw Crazy, Stupid Love tonight with Stacy. And. I LOVE Steve Carell. I absolutely love him. In serious roles. On “The Office”, I wanna die. But when I saw him in Little Miss Sunshine, I wanted to die and then marry him… or in reverse order. I think he’s extremely charming, and he makes me laugh. So. It was a fantastic movie. I loved it. Mucho. But. For me, it was just kinda like a kick in the heart again. Just reminds me what I miss. Cuz I forget sometimes. THANK GOD. Fuck, can you imagine knowing every minute of every day what you miss about relationships? Omg, never, that would be wretched. But I remember now:

The look. That look that you get from someone who loves you. The one where they just smile at you and look right through you. And you blush and smile and look down cuz you’re too bashful to make eye contact. That look that says, “I love you; you’re beautiful.” You know the look. And I saw that look at the end of the movie. And Stacy and I just sat there and cried for a bit. At least until the credits were over.

And in the movie, Ryan Gosling’s character says something about how he looked at people in love and he saw how they acted and he just thought it was all so pathetic.

I don’t wanna be bitter. But I don’t wanna be weak.

I miss that look. But next time I get that look, I’ll probably shit myself of absolute fear. But more likely than that, I’ll probably forget that I ever had my heart broken because I’ll be so enveloped in the pure joy of that one moment. But I’ll never know until I’m there.

I miss it.

As promised:

“Do you believe in life after love?”
~”Believe” by Cher

“These silly wounds will never mend.”
~”White Houses” by Vanessa Carlton

“What’s the worst thing that could happen to you? Take a chance tonight and try something new.”
~”Get Outta My Way” by Kylie Minogue

 “Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone.”
~”Like a Prayer” by Madonna

And that’s what it is.

LOVE. Forever and 4 Quarters,

JAMES.

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