Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

331. She Do Hair

Sometimes I get so busy having fun that I forget to take pictures. But. Tonight we did a tech rehearsal for Chicago. After Tierney took off her wig cap, she looked sexier than she’s ever been:

Don’t be fooled; she’s sexy as F. I have to smize at her during “Cell Block Tango”. And wow, she sets the bar pretty high for some fierce skank eyes. But I’ve been practicing my skank eyes. All the time. Everywhere. I practice skank eyes at Plan B on people who I don’t know. I do it to people who aren’t looking.. and then they find me. Cuz ya know, when someone is BURNING a hole into your head with their skank eyes, you feel it. Always. I also practice while I’m driving my car. I smize at the road. I smize while I shower.. until I realize I’m wasting water while smizing at the shower head. I smize all the time. And I think it’s paying off!

Also. Had an awesome day. Sleep over with Stacy. We slept from 2 til about 11:30. It was. A.MA.ZING. Absolutely amazing. And then we decided to ride bikes to Middleton. So we biked along Highway 19 in Waunakee until we got to the Park-and-Ride at the corner of Highway 19 and Highway 12. It was awesome. It took us a long time, but exercising outside is so fulfilling. It’s refreshing. And beautiful. And I felt so green, riding my bike instead of driving my car. Of course my dad had to come pick us up because I didn’t want to be late for rehearsal. But it was still a great workout.

And I am really proud of the work I did tonight at Chicago. My tap dance gets better every night, and I’m finally understanding my role in the show. So. Kudos me.

Also, I’m realizing that my blog is composed of all the beautiful people in my life. Whenever I say, “I don’t have many friends,” I’m so wrong. I’m such a liar. Because I have 331 days full of friends, myself included.

The power of positive speech is astounding. Someone the other day said something like, “Ugh, I can’t do that, I’m too old.” And I said, “Are you dead? No. You can do anything.” And I’m not just being a disillusioned dreamer. You think you can’t do it? Prove it. Try and fail. Prove to me that you can’t do it.

Cuz I can fuckin do anything.

You know how some people can sense in their joints when it’s gonna rain soon? Like, “Oh my arthritis in my knee acts up when it’s gonna rain.” Well. I sorta have that. But with crying. I can tell when I’m gonna cry soon. And it’s gonna be really soon. Despite all my happiness. Cuz I still want things. And it’s been said that desire is the cause of all suffering. Well. How do I stop wanting things? I think wanting things is human. Cuz right now, I want to not want. Well I still want something. Maybe I don’t want material things, cuz I wouldn’t count Love as a material thing.

You know what, I think I’ll/you’ll/we’ll always want what we don’t have. And I think that’s ok. I think that’s totally human. And I think all I can do is be patient with myself while I suffer from the lack of the Thing.

Life hurts sometimes. And that’s ok. All I can do is keep loving myself, despite my silly Wants. Cuz I’m not waiting for Someone Else to love me. I love me now. And I cry sometimes. But all I can do is remind myself that I’m a fucking winner who’s not alone.

I was talking to Stacy today about people who are super self-conscious and how it makes us self-conscious. Cuz you can feel them picking apart all the things “wrong” with you to make themselves feel better. And the feeling of being picked apart makes us feel so self-conscious. And I told Stacy that I hope this person, Mr. Self-Conscious, is left with the fact that I recognize all my imperfections and I choose to love myself anyway. And I know nothing frustrates Mr. Self-Conscious more.

“You called me sugar.”
~”Glitter In The Air” by Pink

LOVE.

JAMES.

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