Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

My nieces are spending a couple of nights here. I got home from work and Emma told me to be quiet cuz Ava was sleeping with the door open. I walked by to check on Ava. She was lying on her back, but then she readjusted to a more comfortable position:

Yes, she is sleeping face-down. Not just on her stomach, but with her FACE in the blanket. I sleep like that. I like to wear sweatpants and a hoodie. I like to sleep on my stomach and I hold a pillow to my core. And I put a hood over my head so just my nose is peeking out. And then I put a blanket over my head. I am an impenetrable fortress when I sleep.

Today a good friend of mine was talking about how sweet this guy was being to her. He was just doing these absolute precious stuff. Like, real romancies. Including PDA. And I just kept making these puking and gagging sounds. And then I retracted my rudeness and said, “I mean, that freaks the shit outta me, but maybe that’s what you want.”

Terrified. So scared. When I think about being in love, I want to do like Ava in this picture: put on as many layers of clothes as possible and lie face down in a bed. Cuz if you can’t see Love, then Love can’t see you, right?

I think the next phase of my life will be entitled: Scared Shitless And Still Shitting.

“Best. You’ve got to be the best. You’ve got to change the world and use this chance to be heard. Your time is now.”
~”Butterflies and Hurricanes” by Muse

Right now, the thought of a relationship is the scariest thing to me. Scarier than anything. Scarier than spiders or snakes or hurricanes or tornado.

I don’t wanna be an idiot again.




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