Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

Ok. So my picture was gonna be of this: I went to this place called Rosa’s yesterday, and I saw this woman with the biggest hair ever. Ever. And I was so amazed. It was huge. I didn’t know how she got it to be so big. It was like she was wearing a space helmet. How the F did she do that??? And I took a picture, obvi. And I almost put it up, but I don’t want people to laugh at her. I don’t want my happiness to come from laughing at someone else. But, Man With The Weave, I was impressed. Nay, I AM impressed.

So. I saw something that reminded me of a friend of mine:

Once, one of my friends bought some flavor of Burnett’s and some sprite. And he told me when you mix the two, it tasted like cotton candy. Fast forward a few hours: he was lying on someone’s front lawn trying to vomit cuz he felt like F. So I passed this Burnett’s yesterday, and I laughed cuz I thought of you. 🙂

I saw Easy A. SO. GOOD. Fuck, it makes me be like, “James, you need to practice your actings.” Emma Stone was fierce. She was totally fearless and quirky, but when the moment called for something more vulnerable, she went for it. I feel like that’s the kind of actor I can be. No, I am not saying I am Emma Stone, but I think that’s the type I am: quirky but vulnerable. So. I really need to get my ass into shape.. especially since I’m moving to New York in 5 DAYS. HOLY.TARTS.

So all the Holy-Shit-I’m-Moving-To-New-York anxiety hit me today. There, friends, you win. I got scared. The What-If monster came at me full force: “What if I don’t make any friends?” “What if I suck?” “What if I have lost all vocal technique?” “What if I go broke?” “What if I’m a terrible actor?” “What if I can never let go?” “What if I never become a better dancer?”

But then I, with the help of my friend Scott, silenced the What-If Monster. I acknowledged Fear as a companion. There’s no way to banish fear; but I CAN reason with it. So, it’s ok to be scared. But it’s not ok to be held back by Fear. I know myself. Battles with Fear and Doubt will be constant in my life. I’m ok with that, because I have the tools to move on.

Ugh. Yes, I’m scared. Really scared. I don’t have a contemporary up-tempo in my book. I’m not the greatest dancer. My acting could use some work and so could my voice. I need to polish up my book. And I am terribly frightened. And vulnerable.

Hey, maybe I’m closer to who I want to be than I thought.

I thought this title was about Burnett’s and my friend… but now I’m thinking it’s about.. Life.

Trying not to cry on Kelley’s computer, but I’m scared. Tada. And I’m admitting it on the interweb.

But I’m gonna be ok. Cuz I’m full of love, and I’m a fucking winner.

“I smile up to the sky; I know I’ll be alright.”
~”Pocket Full Of Sunshine” by Natasha Bedingfield




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