Starting on Monday, September 6, 2010 (at 4:00 in the morning, so technically Sunday, September 5), I started taking a picture of something that made me happy every day. My Project Happiness 365 started as a proactive act on my part to ward off deep depression. It was spurred by heartbreak as an effort to pull myself out of the wreckage, but now it's fueled by gratitude and a desire to find the beauty in everyday, "mundane" life. This is my honest, vulnerable journey from Hot Mess to Winning. I hope this helps. Oh, and if you're in pain, good; that means you put your whole heart into something. And if you think it won't ever get better, I promise it will. Here's my proof.

So I showered this morning in my NEW NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT. And while I was showering, I saw this window. And upon the window, I saw the ledge. And then I thought to myself, “Oh thank God, I can stretch my battement in this shower by using this ledge”:

Literally that’s the first thing I thought. Let me tell you all the things that made me happy about today:

1) Talking to Stacy on the phone about life and about her coming to visit me.
2) Finding someone to share my room with me til December: Sadie! Wee! I love Sadie! Really excited!
3) Seeing Follies with Bernadette Peters, Jan Maxwell and so many more winners.
4) Jersey accents!
5) New York accents!
6) Dinner with Drew and Mommy at Dallas BBQ (with one big PINA COLALA!!)
7) Drew tripping at K-Mart
8) The dude who fell asleep on Drew’s shoulder on the subway
10) New friends! (Drew’s boyfriend!! Super duper nice and he likes Rachel Maddow and MSNBC and EATING!)
11) Watching “Friends” at night with my mommy.
12) Laughing really hard at “Friends” and turning to my mom to share that laughter only to discover she had fallen asleep.
13) Free jelly at Toasties! Super friendly staff (over by Times Square on 49th)
14) TWO GROUPS OF PEOPLE SINGING ON THE SUBWAYS AT DIFFERENT TIMES! This morning: mariachi band. This evening, three black girls SANGIN’. They were so good and they were wailing and they weren’t even trying. Um, yes please??!
15) Everything.

Oh my God. This is the perfect reward for the end of this project. I was so miserable at the beginning of this, and I never thought I would feel better. I thought I’d always have this bottomless pit in my heart and that nothing would ever make me happy again. BUT OH MY GOD I love it here so much! I still have the capacity to love. I mean, maybe you think I’m being melodramatic, but then you probably have forgotten what heartbreak feels like. Cuz I’m not an idiot. And neither is my heart. My heart is just… hopeful. And so am I. I hoped it would get better, and FUCK BITCH it has gotten BETTER AND BETTER.

I couldn’t be happier. This is where I am supposed to be.

Teague sent me a text the other day:
“Love is going to find you soon. It’s your turn…”


Ya know what? It is my turn. It’s my turn. It’s my turn for a fresh start. A fresh environment. Stephanie Genito was talking to me about Gaga and how they both believe in Rebirth. And now, I do, too. This is my rebirth.

It’s my turn.

And let me tell you something SUPER great… PEOPLE CHECK ME OUT HERE. Not just people. Not just middle school girls (the usual crowd…. oh silly gals). MEN. GAY MEN. Boys and men. And some of them are CUTE. KA-YUTE. And THANK GOD. Not that I am conceited about my looks. But listen, I dress to be looked at. I don’t dress to be in a closet. Bitch, I dress to be on the fuggin’ runway. So please. Look. Look all you want. And I’m funna look right back.

Ain’t no shame baby do your thang. Just make sure you ahead of the game.

THANK GOD FOR MY REBIRTH. I have worked and prayed and hoped. And now, I’m here. There is no end destination. And I’m not happy every minute of every day. But like Stacy said, I am happy every single day. And I can talk myself out of the dumps. And I can push aside the stupid bullshit. And when I need help, my friends lift me out. I haven’t arrived anywhere, but I have left somewhere: Depression. Bye. You are no longer welcome here. Because I finally have won.

Winners winning beating depression/heartbreak/hopelessness/self-doubt/lack of self-worth.

And tomorrow is the last day. And I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

“Everywhere, everywhere, everywhere I go, everywhere that I’ve been, the only thing I see is beautiful people.”
~”Beautiful People” by Chris Brown (feat. Benny Benassi)



tomorrow is the mothafuckin’ last day.

and there shall be more to say. just on a different subject. Stay tuned. and remember



Comments on: "364. Upon This Ledge I Shall Stretch My Battement" (2)

  1. Soooooooo happy for you 🙂

  2. “In New York, Gay Men are so out they’re in”
    -Sex and the City Season 2

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